Thursday, June 7, 2007


It is Thursday. I arrived here on Monday and leave on Sunday. This, today, the halfway mark. I am in Miami for the week with Bruce. It hasn't been terrible, but nor has it been great either. There have been really nice moments. Swimming in the Atlantic, diving again and again underneath the surface, saltwater dripping into my eyes - that was nice, lovely even.

I am in love with underwater scenes in movies. They mean a lot to me, always have. They tend to be shot nicer and they are the nice, odd moments in movies where something explicit about the desire to escape, to be free, is stated. There, of course, is that scene in The Graduate, Benjamin Braddock underwater in his scuba outfit in his backyard pool, while his family is gathered around the edge of the pool, saying things he can't hear from underwater.

That was how I felt each time I dove underneath the water - that things were so nice there, so absent of the things driving me almost crazy elsewhere, namely the man on the shore, fat, old, and hairy, who the night before had told me he thought we were soulmates, the man who also the night before told me that I put him at risk by having unprotected sex, who also told me that I had a sloppy approach to writing, that my diary was full of errors, and on and on with the paternalism. Try to tell me what to do or how I should do it, try to think that you should play that role, and watch how quickly I will be gone. And while I may still be here in Miami with him, in his house, I left that night at the dinner table, told myself that this was over when I got back to New York, that this man's desire to play some mentor/father role was not what I wanted.

He is pretty manipulative and really passive-aggressive when he does not get his way. He paid for my flight here and is paying for my food, meals, drinks, and such, and was going to pay me for each time we had sex. So far, no sex has occurred. I will be a bit bummed if I don't make any money this week, but also fine with it, maybe even more happy about that than having to touch this man in any way.

Yesterday, I hung out with Rebecca and that was so lovely, put me in such better spirits even though it was pouring rain all day yesterday. Being in her company made me realize a lot, made me think about past selves and this current one - this current one that is in this current situation and the things Rebecca is now doing with her life, things that at one point in time I might have been more prone to do.

Also last night, bored silly while Bruce was working on his computer, I fell asleep on his bed around eleven reading a book. I think he was pretty annoyed that I had fallen asleep, at my general distance, and so woke me and told me that I could sleep on his foldout couch if I was going to fall asleep, that I wasn't cuddly anyways.

He unfolded his couch and got out sheets to put on them. I tried to help him put on the sheets and he said, "No, I will do it."

Things are weird and I am pretty ready to get out of here, wish Sunday was tomorrow, wonder if things will become better today, and am maybe thinking about trying to leave early. I will see and will spend lots of time with Rebecca and will eat this free food and will play at the beach and make the most of this. New York, I miss you and your residents that I love so much. I know what home is, where it is.

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