Wednesday, May 14, 2008

The absence from NY of the people I had spent most of my time with, Ben and Gabriel, has enabled some really nice experiences. I have been seeing people that I hadn't seen much of and have been spending time alone walking places and by doing so running into people from my past or new people, people I want to be in my future. This past week continues to shock me with how many people I have been reestablishing ties with. On the train ride home just now, having to wait ten minutes at 3rd Avenue, I ran into Alex, this boy I saw a couple of times from Manhunt and who I had really tender moments with before things got awkward for some reason. It was really nice to see him again and we talked and smiled a lot at each other, both seemingly enchanted by the other despite not wanting to be, or knowing that that had already happened and shouldn't again. There were lots of cute smiles and lots of laughter and lots of talk. I talked and talked, pent up stuff coming out, since I had spent the previous seven hours in a theater talking very little.

Today, I was the assistant stage manager for a dance show at La Mama, which, you know, is kind of weird since I haven't done any stagehand work before. I was asked an hour beforehand by Matt if I could help them out today and tomorrow for little pay. I agreed just for the experience. It was a really fun day and nice to see these dance pieces worked on from a couple of angles. Everyone there was insanely nice - and lately everyone seems to be, maybe it's Spring or maybe it's the attitude that I am bringing to them, but as of late everyone's eyes in this city shine with kindness. There were some really cute male dancers, most of the pieces are really good, and so my eyes and brain were full of beautiful things. That much time observing dance allowed me to really take it in, to become affected by it, and see the life of it. I am a bit nervous as today was just a run-through and tomorrow is an actual show that I will be trying to help run smoothly. But I feel really lucky lately, this show just one part of it, getting to experience it, taste it briefly before the job becomes tedious, to see what is involved in helping run a stage. And what hat will I want to put on two days from now?

The guy that I saw last night was more proof of luck. He was someone that I would be attracted to at a bar, would be my crush there that I would observe all night before finally, when he was alone, going up to talk to him. I was really nervous when I first entered his apartment, felt that he was too cute, and was a bit shy and awkward. The sex was really amazing and I am sure he knew that I was loving it also, and that I would probably have been there even if I wasn't getting paid, and today in an e-mail he put that question to me, saying it was really hot and he wants to get together again but doesn't want to pay for it. And to delicately respond to this email without totally offending him or conceding to his wishes was a tricky feat, but I played it cooler than I am actually feeling and told him that I would only do it for money, and we'll see what happens. I think I may be becoming too nice for this job, this line of work, that with another guy I have seen also recently, lines are becoming too blurry, lines between business and friendship. I need to work on this and not look people so kindly in the eyes, not connect with them and make them forget the business dynamic that should be occurring, to keep my eyes that want to love other eyes averted for the hour I am there, to play it more cool, more distant.

I have resolved to write something by this Tuesday to share with Ethan and I like that deadline, that that will help me crack the whip on myself a little. Time management is going to have to be put into effect since there is still a day of work, friends coming back into town, and me leaving town for a couple days, going to Atlantic City with Niki for Sunday night, having found a crazy cheap travel deal, and maybe my luck will extend past state lines, that things will come up all cherries, or all shamrocks, or all unicorns, or whatever crazy things are on the nickel slots that I will be playing between enjoying smoking indoors and chasing down the cocktail waitresses for some free drinks.

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