Thursday, May 22, 2008

I went over to Robert's house this evening. We drank Coors Light in his living room and he smoked cigarettes nonstop and I thought to myself that I would feel really good tomorrow if I could have gone three days without smoking (aside from two drags on someone else's cigarette yesterday). After hearing that Ethan had quit and having been wanting to for a while, I threw my pack of cigarettes at the bus station in Atlantic City, leaving that habit behind in Jersey. And Robert smoked cigarette after cigarette, and my hands were ready to do the same. Instead, they touched him. We sat there in his quiet living room and I asked him a lot about his life, hearing his story. He played me some sad songs on his computer and grabbed my crotch a lot.

After we had sex in his bed, we cuddled for a bit. He asked if I ever felt lonely. And I paused for a long while, thinking about what that meant, and answered not really, too busy occupying myself with distraction to feel the thing, but probably doing so to mask it, that it is still there. And now I see that, believe that, but then I just said "not really," and asked him if he did. All the time, he said.

He fell asleep next to me and I headed home, needing to take out my contacts. At home, I read his blog, him writing today about how much he misses his ex-boyfriend. He is sad and sweet and looking for something. I really like him a lot and am sad that things probably won't work out, despite a mutual attraction. I am aware that there is another boy on his mind and that I am a distraction from that. There also are conversational and sexual mismatches between us, minor though they are, that seem as if they could become annoying soon enough. I don't know. I am very confused about many things these days, mainly though my relationships and interactions with the human race, all of them sort of fraying at this point, me seeing severe faults of character and falseness in just about everyone I know and as a result me probably being not as nice as I could/should be. I am not sure what I am interested in pursuing. I know, however, that I am tired and that my bed is next to me and that I am going to lie in it.

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