she called it a freakin psychopath farm and said she's quittin real soon

After work today, I came home and collapsed into the couch. I don't know why, but I so could not stand on my feet after working a measly four hours. I never felt like getting up from the couch, and I really didn't get up until just now, but this is only because I am soon about to go enter my bed. I think the problem was that I ate way too much food in too short a time. I got some Taco Bell on the way home and sat on the couch eating it, watching a Seinfeld rerun. I was then about to watch a movie, but my sister wanted to watch Rachel's baby on Friends. And then my mom came home with pizza for me, which I felt obliged to eat. My belly was getting heavier and heavier and sinking deeper into the worn couch cushions, planting roots, making it near impossible for me to move. Due to my tired paralysis and also because I secretly do sort of like Friends, I watched it and truth be told it was not half bad, it was pretty exciting and it had one of those good season finales endings where you wonder what's going to happen next sesason. Sort of like the Who Shot Mr. Burns thing, but more like Who's Going to Marry Rachel.

Then I watched the news for a while about Bush's foreknowledge of 9/11, which is only making me into more of a conspiracy nut. I had already believed that the US had involvement in it, but this just is making me believe so anymore. It promises to be really intersting news for at least the next couple of days, at least until news programmers decide to switch back to Robert Blake coverage or some bullshit. And fuck, is it to much to ask to ask to have competent elected officials in this country? The whole thing seems so shady - something is obviously going in this government - something not good.

Then I watched two movies. Hey, I already said that I was a big time couch potato tonight, so just shut-up, and I'm working at Blockbuster, I need to take advantage of these free movies. So first I watched The Big Lebowski which was tremendously entertaining. And that first dream sequence where he is flying through the sky and then drops to earth as a bowling ball and etc, was so so kickass. I watched that scene about three times, feeling like that scene was my thoughts on death - that if I had to say what I thought happened when we died, I would play that scene. Matter and energy switching from one form to another, and it felt so good to watch it - everything was going to be a okay.

And then I watched Belly, which was totally different but also totally awesome. It's a Hype Williams movie and it is just as crisply shot as his music videos. The cinematography is beyond awesome, just gosh-wow, and a wonderful soundtrack to boot. However the movie takes this pro-Nation of Islam stand at the end of the movie, which is all well and good (actually it's fucking wondeful, I am becoming more and more in love with Islam), but it done in a way that becomes just a little too self-righteous. And the Garvey back to Africa ending also seems a little silly. I mean Africa's a pretty huge continent but Nas' character just keeps saying how they are "going to go to Africa." But, whatever, the awesome shots totatlly redeem the movie. And the movie, unlike any Coen's Brothers movie actually had people of color in it. What, you mean that major urban areas are not 98% white? Why yes, Joel and Ethan that is exactly what I am trying to say. Your movie takes place in LA for fucking god sakes. The film is an Aryan nightmare. And some people say that there is no white-normative culture. Fucking take a look at the movies, all of them are like this. The struggle continues.

*******************

Ask me anything

Oh, and my next entry is my 200th one and to celebrate, I will be ushering in Gimmick Week. The next entry's gimmick is going to be Q & A, where I make up random questions about life, death, food, and myself that I will answer. And if you want to contribute to the madness, write your questions in my guestbook and they shall be answered in the entry. Mean questions are perfectly welcome, too.

everybody does it, she said

It's all Sarah's fault.

So, I worked at Blockbuster tonight and was just glancing around behind the counter when I spotted a copy of my favorite movie ever which I am so so obsessed with, and I almost wet myself with excitement. I asked Chris, my manager, the only other person I was working with, if Amelie was out on tape now. He said that it was not out on video - that that was just a screener that they had sent the store - that the actual video doesn't come out for 59 days. I went back to working but was so excited about this Amelie video and wanted to check it out so bad. The night moves on, I eat some Taco Bell, I check out peoples' videos, and then I get a call. It is Sarah, and I tell her what is behind the counter since she also is in love withAmelie, and I tell her how much I want it. And what does little Miss Sarah advise me to do?

"Just take it," she says. She then tells me that people take the screeners home all the time, and that she still has some now from when she worked at Blockbuster. I tell her that Chris, being the strict person he is, will not let me just walk out the door with it. While Chris is in the back, I see if the video goes off in the sensors and it does. Sarah says to just rip off the sensor and take it home, that no one will care, that people do it all the time. I get off the phone with her, and I take the sensor off, really really wanting to own Amelie. To be a materialist pig and to be so so satisfied that I possessed the movie - that I could watch it whenever I so chose. Day or night, mind you.

And as it nears time to close, I stick the video under the waist of my pants, so that it is concealed under my untucked baggy XXL shirt and my pants. Meanwhile my stomach is gassy and bloated from the Taco Bell, and so I have to suck in my stomach so that you couldn't see the outline of the video. Chris counts down my drawer and I stand next to him as he does so, doing my best to suck in my stomach and yet also to appear relaxed and natural. A very tough thing to do. My drawer is over sixty cents. I then start stocking concessions and I hear him start saying, "Shit" over and over. His drawer is short twenty dollars he tells me. And then he says that it might be a while before we leave because he has to figure out what happened to it. I wander around the store, getting very nervous about the video because Chris is getting more and more angry about his short drawer. After about an hour of playing with numbers, he finally gives up, and says that it's time to go.

But wait a second. He starts looking around behind the desk where Amelie was. He asks if I have seen it, that he was going to bring it home, and that something really fucked up is happening. But he didn't say any of this accusatory because he thinks I look like I am twelve - he was just asking me what the hell could have possibly happened to it. Meanwhile, I am trying to act confused and am sucking in my gut like you don't know what - I was so so worried that he would know it was under my shirt. I felt so bad now but really could not take it out of my shirt at this point in time - it was far too late for that - so we looked behind the counter for a couple mintues - him getting more and more pissed off. He asks me if anyone was behind the counter. And I said no, I was shelving videos on the floor but I kept my eye on the counter, I should have seen them. Oh, lies, lies, lies. I was so nervous. He said that he'd just ask Rosemary about it in the morning, to see if she had any theories. And then exasperated, he sighed how much he wanted to see that movie and now he had to wait two months. We left the store and I was sucking in my gut so hard until I got to my car, feeling so so guilty.

I thought that it was just sitting back there, like Sarah said, and that no one was going to watch it, but no, no - and now, Rosemary is going to try to figure it out, which may mean that she is going to look at the surveillance tapes from tonight, in which case she does, I am surely busted, and will be big time fired and hopefully not worse. I think though that the cameras may not even record that area which I am really hoping, because otherwise I don't know what. And Chris, for some reason did not suspect me at all tonight, but I'm sure after he thinks about this all night he will come to the very sensible realization that I was the only other person working and that I must have taken it.

Oh goodness, this is so out of control. And I have to be at work at three tomorrow and I am so scared. I would like to just not show up. But then they would for sure know it was me. I just need to go and pretend that nothing happened. Oh god, Sarah, this is Grade A, the worst advice you ever given me. But at least I have Amelie, and really isn't that all that matters?

trying to keep faith

Okay, I am so not good at sticking to my guns. I had decided to take a long vacation from d-land, but tonight I just want to whine. Sort of. Goddamnit, motherfuckin shitty shit.

So, I was being a freak, going to the New College web page to look at Marky Mark'swebpage because I am obsessed. And what do I see? Cornel West is speaking at graduation!!! And now I want to go so bad because I am in love with Cornel. But, here's the thing, I already bought my plane ticket from DC to Altanta for May 27 and I think graduation is like May 23, and I can't buy a roundtrip ticket just for graduation because I am trying to save money, but boy oh boy, do I want to see Cornel so bad. I have this really funny picture of me stalking Cornel that I would post here if I had a scanner and was a little more deft with such things. He did lots of stumping for Bill Bradley in NH, and after one of the ralleys, I grabbed him and made him pose for a picture with me because I love him. And I am grinning wildly in the picture and Cornel looks utterly terrified. And I had been wanting him to come talk at New College forever, but I didn't even dare ask the SAC for money since his speaking fee is like $10,000. Why must he come talk the semester I am away? He's so rad. He is definitly one of my idols. My other living idol is Paul Wellstone, who I think is the coolest guy ever. Why are most of the people I idolize dead? And they're all males. I feel sexist or something for not having any female idols. And Bonnie, Wellstone is up for reelection this fall, and so he'll probably do some campaigning this summer and since Minnesota's not that far from Madison, um, maybe, you'll want to take a trip to hear him? Please. Oh, and maybe when can even do some volunteer work for his campaign?

Let's see, what else is new in my life.

-I work about 15 hours a week at Blockbuster with idiots. Dumber then you would believe.
-Because of this job, I have watched an insane amount of movies recently. Tonight I watchedSay Anything and The Ice Storm.
-I was supposed to go out on a "date" with William over the weekend to see Y Tu Mama Tambien. I was feeling like shit after a horrible day of work and canceled. I ended up seeing the movie with Sarah anyways. It was so so awesome and I think it is going to be added to my list of favorite movies.
-I called William today and was so shy and not with it, and the conversation had far too many awkward moments and I just hung up because it was really painful, and so I think my hanging up on him pretty much ends this thing that never was a thing.
-My sister came home from college last week and is supposed to start working at Ben and Jerry's tomorrow. Hopefully, she will give me lots of free ice cream.
-I am all about ice cream as of late. Last night, Sarah and I went to go get malts at the Silver Diner and there was the cutest little waiter there that reminded me so much of Charles. And I'm going to try to make as many trips to the Silver Diner as possible while I am home.
-I've been thinking about death a lot. And when I saw Y Tu Mama, there is this throwaway line that one of the characters says that for some reason still rings in my head. She asks, "Don't you wish you could live forever?" And, I really wanted to cry right then, knowing exactly how she felt to ask that question. And, I am reading this Physics book, which is allaying some of my fears about dying. I shall talk about that all later though. Physics, my dear Watson, is where the answer lies. Goddamn, I have no idea what I just wrote, and am just going to post it, before I realize how crappy it is.

The music was fast. But even as fast as it was going, it seemed that the other thing - the big thing - was going faster. Much, much faster. And that was, and still is, scary as fuck to our protagonist. And so, he is going to eat some ice cream. And maybe some olives, if there are any to be found in his kitchen, and sing a new song. And if he's brave, he'll try to reconcile time.

a waste of my time

I am uncircumcised. It is not a tattoo or a piercing. Please don't ask me to show it to you. It's sort of annoying.

Today, I went over to Mary's hoping to get outside and go do something with her in the beautiful beautiful spring weather like putt-putt. But, I got there and we ended up doing nothing because of their laziness, except drinking Coronas, sitting on the couch in their dark living room, and talking to Ty. Or more accurately, listening to Ty talk. He soon started talking about cocks, and he then said something about uncircumcised cocks, and he quickly asked me if I was cut, and I said no. Him and Mary both reacted very shocked, and Ty kept asking me to show it to them. Normally, I would have done as I have done way too many times when I get the same question and just shown it to them, but Ty just makes me totally insecure because he's the most vain boy I have ever known and he's so judgemental. Besides that though, I just do not like him, and goddamn, I am not going to show my penis to some boy I do not even like. Not even after he tries to make me feel more insecure and tell them that: It's okay, people with small penises don't like to show themselves, that's cool. Whatever Ty, it's not going to work. The both of them then started asking what it looked like and so many other questions that made me feel like I had a sixth toe or something abnormal. Then they asked Why? Why the fuck do you think, you idiots? Because my parents decided not to, because they're really progressive, you country bumpkins. I was so uncomfortable in this situation and so was regretting coming over there. Why are people so fascinated by uncircumcised penises? I really don't think they're that weird, but of course, I probably wouldn't since I am uncut, but I really don't see the big deal about them. It's fucking natural, the cut people are unnatural people. Normally, I don't mind showing it to people that ask. I remember my first semester, somehow talking to Gabe about it, who was also uncut and we showed each other our pee-pees. That I did not mind. And, I did not mind it the other occasions it has happened. But today, I was getting so bothered by it.

After that bit of nonsense, I had to listen to Ty talk about his attractiveness and how he was part of "the in crowd" at this dance studio. And he was totally serious about all of this. I honestly don't know how he is real - I can't even believe someone would seriously say half the things he does. I then tried to convince Mary to go bowling, but Ty managed to dissuade her because bowling is "too low-class" and "too many ghetto black people," from a boy that is half-black. I was ready to run out of the place, covering my ears, clicking my heels and wishing I was back at New College. They decided that we should go out to eat, but I was pissed that we weren't going bowling, put on my shoes, and abruptly told them Good-by. They tried to convince me to stay, but I just let the door close behind me and ran to my car.

Once home, I called Sarah to see if she would go bowling but of course, her phone was busy, so no I did not get to go bowling. I was hungry and went to Taco Bell. Ate it while reading the Sunday paper at home. And as soon as I finished the phone rang. And it was William. And I really liked him tonight on the phone, we talked for so long, and I told him about my horrible day, and he told me about his art, and it was so nice to talk to someone normal, and I really really like William now after talking to him, and we're supposed to go get coffee in the next couple days after he finishes up all his end of semester stuff.

And he told me that he'd go bowling with me anytime. And that made my eyes water with happiness.

it's how neil armstrong felt

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! My mom came home about half an hour ago from her business trip. She has been gone since Thursday and the house has felt so empty without her. I am so so glad she is home.

And today she went to the big book fair in New York with my aunt, who's a book agent, and she came home with bags and bags of advance review copies of so many books. I am so excited to read these. I always feel so privelged holding a book with "Advance Reader's Copy - Not for Sale" printed on it. I probably read these books just because of that little phrase. They make the book feel special. And I always glance at the info on the back to see when the book's publication date is, and the further away it is, the more special I feel - like I am the first man on the moon or something. A lot of the books she brought home are pretty horrid sounding, but I'm real excited about two which I now possess and which I plan to devour in the next couple of days so that I will be super special.

But I'm also excited because I have just been craving a damn good book to read lately. Today, I went to the library and looked for High Fidelity after reading Hunter say it was his favorite book in his diary. Because if it's someone's favorite book, it usually is a pretty good book. Usually. But they didn't have it. The only book they had by him was How to Be Good. So, I decided to check out Breakfast of Champions. Okay, I don't know who likes this book, but I know I have heard so many people go on and on about it, but let me tell you what, I forced myself to finish the first chapter, finding the narration so so obnoxious, before I finally decided that there are some books I just do not need to read, especially asshole books.

And so, right now, I am going to go watch SNL, dream about Jimmy Fallon, and then will start reading one of these books:
Ignorance by Milan Kundera. Publication date: October 2002. or:

Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides. Publication date: September 17, 2002.

All of this makes me really want to go into publishing, the world of free books and free cd's and chocolates advertising some company, and it all just seems so fun.

ps - Right now, I am listening to this Hafiz new agey CD and I really like the poetry but it sounds so silly recited over all this yoga music and chanting. "If you have ever made wanton love with God, then you have ingited that brilliant light inside that every person needs, so spill the oil."

Tobey Maguire, for all his slowness, will speed up your heart, making it go pit a patter a tad bit faster

I am travelling down Route One, thinking that I should not be driving this drunk, even though I don't feel drunk. But, I calculate that ten drinks must be enough to make me drunk, regardless of whether I think I am or not.

And I remember what I did a few short hours ago. Did I? I guess I did. Okay, I guess if I forgot about wandering around my high school and talking with the drama teacher then bygod, I should not be driving. Too late now, however, home is close - closer than I am aware. Perhaps right here - right here no matter where I am - a few scratches away at my insides and I am there. Somewhere between recalled scents, yelling matches, and yeah I went to high school there.

I went over to Mary's at twoish, talked to Ty for awhile, looked at his Abercrombie catalog, disgusted that I used to love Bruce Weber photos, thinking about how racist they are, but hey a naked boy is a naked boy - and I still looked through the entire thing. I should of torn it into shreds, tossing it from their balcony like New Year's confetti, celebrating the new, dancing among the ruins of the old, declaring to myself [and thus, to the world] that I [and we] would no longer put up with such bullshit - that we wanted non-coiffed, non-white, non-skinny boys with acne eroticized for us to jack off to, resolving to create the Perfect World that I am capable of living in. But, I didn't - Ty probably would have been upset - real upset. And soon we left Ty and his naked boy pictures to go see Spider-Man, but not before we made a quick stop at Giant to snag some booze to drink during the movie.

We got there and the place was packed to the brims, we got seats in the second row, which at first I thought would be totatlly uncomfortable, but ended up being perfect for this movie, making it seem all the more fantastic - like a fucking Imax movie - a rollercoaster ride, riding along with Spider Man as he swung from here to there, taking all of us second row people right there with him because we were that damn special. The movie was so much fun, I really did love it. William Defoe is wonderfully scary in a Chrisopher Walken way. Radio Raheem is in the movie, working at the newspaper. And the person formally know to me in my WWF loving youth, the Macho Man Randy Savage, my favorite wrestler, is in the movie. I have not seen him probably since those old-school WWF days, thinking that he is too old to wrestle now, but whoa no - he looks scary as hell in this movie. He is about eight times bigger than he ever was. Can we say steriods? If you know what he looked like then, you will also think he looks scary as hell in this movie, I wasn't even positive it was him until I saw the credits. Scary. But, so many of those old school WWF guys are still wrestling. Okay, I've been watching wrestling again, I admit it - but it's sooo good. Mr. Perfect still wrestles. Hulk Hogan. Ric Flair. Big Boss Man. I keep seeing one from the old days just about every time I watch it. Anyways, the movie was so wonderful. It was such a good superhero movie because Peter Parker is a geek in high school and so it's so easy to sympathize with him, rather than say rich Bruce Wayne. When he kicks some high school ass, you will [if you were also socially inept during those years] find yourself rooting for Parker to kick some bully ass. Good stuff.

After the movie, we talked to Rick Dugan from West Potomac and he asked us if we were going to go see the school play. We said something like, "Hell no." But once in the car, Mary suggested that we drive to West Potomac and see what it looks like these days. We circle the school from the saftey of my car, and then we circle the drama building and see tiny tiny people [these are high school kids?] wandering around in costume, getting ready for rehearsal. Oh, it was so wonderfully familiar, how easily those memories of being a drama geek come back. Mary really wanted to get out and go say hi to Ms. McCormally. I was adamantly opposed to this idea, to saying hi to the silly drama teacher that I really had no desire to ever see again, and I thought that this trip was already far surpassing the limitations that I had silently set for myself. But being drunk off my ass, I was pretty easily convinced and soon we were sneaking down empty halls of Springbreak, hiding from drama kids. And then I suggested that we go into the Kogelman theatre [the tiny, intimate one], and it was pitch black, and I stood onstage with Mary thinking of laughing and making fun of people with Ashley Young and Stephanie Phillips and it was right here and so close. And Brendan Bradley and Jesse Robinson and Robin and so many others - they were all up there with me as I all too eagerly fell into recalling high school memories. Mary started exploring the theatre and someone was coming to the doors, so I ran backstage and hid behind the curtains, and fucking shit - it was Ms. McCormally. I could hear her and Mary chatting, I was about to run to my car through the back exit, but then I heard Ms. McCormally tell me to come out and say hi.

I said hi and soon we were being led around on a tour of the renovated arts building by Ms. McCormally and I was too drunk and thought the situation was utterly absurd and kept laughing and laughing, but that is nothing new and not even something I do just when drunk - I tend to laugh all the time. A problem? Maybe. I was pondering that question today and thinking about going on a laughing fast for a week, but have since decided that that was a dumb idea. A Grade A dumb one.

We then left Springbreak, and I suggested that we go into the Quander building. We found an open door, and felt the silence, felt the emptiness, and knew that we would definitly get yelled at if someone saw us in here, so we quietly snuck around the school, marvelling and also being sort of sad at how different it all looked since the renovation. It was not where we went to high school. There was no brown-green carpet. It was fucking tiled. I swear to God, those tile manufactors are intent on tiling the whole goddamn world - B-Dorm used to have gross carpet and it, too, is now gone. Old carpet is wonderful. Who cares about allergens? Fuck tile. Fuck it. The library wasn't even where it used to be - we never even found where it is now. We wandered in and out of classrooms, hoping to find Ms. Reynolds or Mr. Howard's class to write them a cryptic note on their blackboard, but we could not find their classrooms. After spending far too long investigating each classroom, looking through teachers' papers, we were spotted by some janitors and hightailed it out of the building back to my car.

We drove away from West Potomac, but not really, we talked about it the whole drive. WePo. We stopped at Giant to snag more booze, went back to Mary's, and drank and ate and danced. And that was that. A damn, good day. Wonderful in its unproductiveness.

"You can bet at least one securtiy screener is in big trouble today."

A rare moment of wit from Fox News just now, as the newcaster made a comment that reminded me of Tina Fey. I laughed and laughed and now that I wrote this it doesn't seem so funny, but, boy it was. Tina Fey was going to throw a pizza party for the first screener that caught a terrorist, then yelling, "Get your head out of your ass." These screeners provide far too much amusement for me, and I guess also FoxNews, which has been showing the same live shot for about an hour, even though this story is not that newsworthy at all. Oh, oh another quote - the same woman just asked about the screener with his head in his ass, "I mean is this person going to get in any trouble for this?"

"I'd move to Canda, I'd move to Timbuctoo, anywhere, I wouldn't go."

My right contact is blurring up and driving me crazy, and very shortly, I will go upstairs, take it out, consume large amounts of Cab that I yanked from Giant, read some more from the Whitman bio I am reading, and then fall into my pillow, into heaven, into dreams of you and me and two other people masturbating on a revolving thing-a-ma-jig.

Seriously, I normally don't have sexual dreams, but last night, whoa, it was out of control. Today, Sarah told me about some dream she had last night and I was bored silly listening to it. I don't want to hear about your dream. No matter how exciting you may think your dream was, guess what, it never ever sounds that interesting to whoever you are telling it to. But yeah, so skip this paragraph. No, I can't tell who it was. But me, two boys who I can't remember and a former female roommate were all masturbating on this rotating circular thing, like luggage pickup thing, and appearantly we were all supposed to cum before the end of the song. I didn't realize this, but after everyone came and the song ended, I realized what the plan was, and came right after the song had ended. And then I guess some boy who didn't fit on the spinny thing the first time, took a turn. It was such a weird dream. I also had one about Andrew that I don't even remember. Last night, I was on the loose with O.O.C. dreams.

Today, I went to this art opening that Sarah had some photos in, and I played with her little brother and sister making farting noises with our armpits and kneecaps, and burping on command, and generally causing all sorts of embarrassment to Sarah and her parents. It was so fun. Then I hung out with Vince and Sarah. And I have a big friend crush on Vince now, where I really want to be good friends with him, he seems so rad. He's been to this bathhouse that I was thinking about applying to work at, twice, and he gave me a detailed story about the sordid goings on of such a place.

I am a sitcom character and love catchphrases. "Bobo" was my favorite forever. There was "O.O.C.", "I feel like.." and far too many others that I wore out. My new catchphrase for this season is "sha-zam!" Yeah Goober!!! I'm also working on trying to say "making whopee" more often.

I called Bonnie to let her know that I listed her as a personal reference as my landlord.

Today, I carried a card in my pocket - a card that I made this morning - that said, "This is your toupee - CONFIDENCE - extra set of balls."

Don't ask me why. I am weird - that's why - and was very inspired by the confidence George had on Seinfeld when he wore a toupee, so I thought that I would just pretend I was wearing one. And maybe because of the card, or maybe because it's just a shitty job that will hire any sixteen year old, I got a job working at Blockbuster. I am supposed to start on Saturday.

In other news, I was told not to try on clothes from the kids section at Wal-Mart by a Wal-Mart employee who was very shocked that I was trying on little boy shirts. I did anyways, to confused stares from her and another employee who joined her for the show. I can do whatever I want - I am wearing a toupee.