she said that i have a mouth but no knowledge. but she said lots of things.

i'm listening to common's like water for chocolate right now and not really having a linear stream of thoughts to be able to write this. i keep singing lyrics amazed at how awesome an album this is, wondering why i haven't listened to it in probably about a year. wondering why you're not listening to it right now. dude, why isn't the shit blaring out of loudspeakers on every street corner? world peace is good jams blaring on every street. george clinton, i'm just starting to understand what you meant by "one nation under a groove." but, i'll see that line and raise you one - how bout one planet under a groove? a little funk to serve as the soundtrack to our day to day existence.

but then again, maybe not. someone with lame taste might be put in charge of the music selection. it could be whole days of that bad music you hear whenever you're put on hold on the phone. it could be a lifetime of bad dentist's office music. well, i guess the desire to have music playing wherever you go is why they made walkmans - maybe i need to invest in one.

today i woke up at eleven, and thought that i would take the bus down to old town. my car is no longer legally driveable - it's a major headache that i don't want to talk about, but basically i am carless, which is fine in sarasota and i guess ten million other places, but cars are an essential in northern virginia, the definiton of sprawl. road planners didn't think that there might actually be pedestrians, and so sidewalks are sporadic on major roads, and just ridiculous. but anyways, i can catch the bus about a couple blocks from my house. this working in eastern market thing may get very unbearable, taking a bus and the metro seems a little insane to get to a seven dollar an hour job. i should have taken that job at dale photo and i could have just biked to work. oh well, we'll see how bad (or how good) it actually is tomorrow when i have to go to work.

today, i don't even know what i did. it is now one o clock in the morning, and god damn, does anyone else think time is flying. for motherfucking sake, it is appearantly febuary 28, how the hell did that happen? what happened to january? i planned on reading all day, but did not read at all really.

damn, listen to this nonsense - okay first, let me explain the abrupt switch that just occured. i am grade a fucked up on caffeine and all over the map right now. i made a coffee conconction at about six tonight with four shots of espresso in it, and a bunch of charger chai, and chocolate sauce. and it was so mmm mmm good, but my nerves are seriously pulsing, and since the consumption of that drink, i have gone through probably the entire spectrum of human emotions - getting giddy, happy, depressed, sad, mad, horny, agitated, bored - you name it, i have felt it in these last six or so hours.

okay, let's get back to the nonsense that you need to listen to: so our cable was all fucked up for about two weeks and the stations were all mixed up, and we weren't getting like half the stations (most importantly, though, mtv). so, i called the cable company and had them talk me through fixing the problem with the remote and i was so excited that i could get it fixed. (oh, the cable company is one such place where you hear crappy music when you're put on hold.) this was yesterday that i fixed it, and at ten, i turned to mtv, so so excited to see the new episode of real world. but motherfucking guess what? it was a goddamn repeat - the first episode that they have already showed a million and three times. so i try turning to hbo to see if there's any good movies on, and hbo was blocked. as was cinemax, showtime, and the movie channel. what the hell? i was so mad that i had called to fix the cable, because i think we had been getting the premium channels for free for the past few months, but i don't know, i need to ask my mom about it, and see if i really did fuck up our getting free stations or if we really are supposed to have them. but this means no late night cinemax movies to serve as masturbation fodder.

coffee can serve as a laxative, in case you didn't know. also assuming that you cared about bowel movements. or as bonnie once said to my utter confusion: b-m. about an hour after drinking the... duh, drink, i kept on having to poop. and how many times a day do you poop? nora once told me i was weird for pooping everyday, and she said that she poops once every couple of days and i thought she was lying, but now i don't know. everyone else poops a few times a day, right?

between my squats on the toilet, i ran around the house cleaning, and ran up to my room to do something. i quickly became distracted listening to how loud the second hand is on my clock, and starting reading my notebook which i saw on the floor. and wrote this, real freaked out and anxious, so pardon the even badder writing:

the time is moving, that second hand is out of control, loud planes landing and taking off at national - they're moving and so are all the people inside the airport, running to their gates, being asked to take their shoes off, the people on the tv move so fast, branches outside moving because the wind is moving -- all of which, making me painfully aware of my stationary status. i'm the motherfucking stationary bike and the world is the slightly overweight middle-aged woman riding me, moving, doing things, fucking people while i sit here and do jack all shit.

being thrown into an existential crisis everytime i hear the second hand of my alarm clock tick tick tick, you would think that i would just splurge on a fucking digital alarm clock the next time i went to wal-mart. but when i go to wal-mart, it's all about happy yellow smiling faces. the prices are rolling back, not spiraling forward making me fear the progress of time, and so i am happy and not neurotic there and forget about such things that would improve my life like digital alarm clocks.

**********************
[and okay, this is where the writing goes from bad to worse, so for those of you who have made it this far down, be ready to cringe]
blood guts and glory
this is a revolution of love that we are calling for. There are of course those Fannons that will tell us that this type of revolution is one of a people that have been mystified into accepting their oppresion, but fuck that. we know. we know better. we know ourselves. we know that love is what we desire. recieving it, is radiating it. jesus tried to tell us this, but the message got diluted along the way by mark and too many others. but yeah, love. that's what its all about. life is too everything for anything other than love. but that's not to say that some people aren't deserving off a knee to the groin, nor to say that we shouldn't give it to them. all that is okay, as long as our mind is not also in a state of raised fists. we must remain aware that we are the ones. the many loving each other - loving ourselves - loving life. i mean, is there really anything else when it comes down to it?

**********************
What'd I come up here for?, I ask myself forgetting my mission somewhere along the journey. And then I remember why I came here and it is so clear and meaningful that I wonder what else I would possibly have thought I came here to do. Ah, now I remember, I exclaim, releasing all the self-doubt and feelings of mental impotence created by my inability to remember what I walked a short twenty feet to do - I came upstairs to fold my fucking clothes. Ha! What else? And the world was in perfect harmony - my ego was assuaged about its fears, and i knew what my purpose was - what i came to do.

i then folded my clothes, and continued on with my spastic behavior. my mom cam home at about nine from her business trip to florida, and i was so glad that another human was in the house with me. my mommy was home. i then took her car and sped to olsson's before they closed at ten to purchase mcsweeney's 7. so so excited about holding the new issue in my hands, so ready to rush home and read it. i rushed home and was still too hyped-up to actually read. so, i watched the grammys. andre 3000 is so the coolest guy in the world. outkast, nelly furtado, india arie, and al fucking green performed, all of whom entertained my hyped up self immensely. i then was a little bit calmer and read jt leroy's "harold's end," and it was a fun read and all, but nothing that i considered good writing. not even close. i don't understand why he is such a literary darling - all he ever does is talk about being a male prostitute. it's so gimmicky and just pure shock value - there's nothing stellar about the writing at all. grr. but i read his story first just because i knew it would be a quick read - one that i could make it through being super hyper.

and goddamn, i really meant to go jogging tonight, but it is now two o'clock, and i really hate jogging this late at night, and dude i need to fall asleep so i can wake up for bus metro work.

and common is saying to me; to you; to us that he finds "heaven in this music and god." and yeah, i think that's where i find it, too.

"Q: What do the Enron execs eat for a breakfast? A: Shredded Wheats," said the homeless man who asked rebecca and i for money. we didn't give him any.

running so so behind. and yeah that is nothing new. not at all. but today, it was about twenty minutes behind the time that i needed to leave that i finally left my house for work. roaring down the streets, trying to get to the metro, knowing that i would just miss a train if i did not hurry, ignoring the low coolant warning light blinking like mad. my car is really bobo and on its last legs, and has a hole in something important and expensive (the two are not neccesarily synonomous). and so every time i have to drive, i have to refill it with coolant. and if i don't, the car overheats, steams like mad, or just stops running. basically trouble. big trouble. and, i was praying that none of these horrible things would happen since i was already so so late. and none of them did, thank god.

i get there and a train is just pulling up. ready to get on the train, waiting for it to come to a stop and - "CHARLIE!" - turn around real confused to see who is calling my name and of all people, i see ty. i mentally rolled my eyes, dreading having to talk to ty on the metro, but smiled and said hi, knowing that i would have to talk to him on the metro.

it wasn't that bad talking to him. it was actually pretty fun, and he even gave me a sort of compliment, saying that i looked grown-up, but quickly followed by saying that i didn't look like a little boy anymore. thanks ty. ty was on his way to work too. appearantly he is a ballroom dance instructor at arthur-murray's, which seems very weird. we talked about mary, who appearantly is moving back to va permanently to live with ty. and she was in rehab for a semester last year, unbeknowest to me, but ty, never one to concern himself with privacy, spilled all the details about mary's life to me.

i only got to work about ten mintues late, which is not so bad. no granola boy today. but sharon was working, this little hippy girl who just graduated from gwu. she's such a rad girl. rebecca thinks she's so cool, and likes to talk about her a lot. cause she's that nice and cool. but today was the last day that i am going to work with her since she is starting a real 9-5 job at the end of this week.

rebecca came to visit me at work and asked if i wanted to go see a movie. fucks yeah. so, i spent a good half an hour talking to rebecca, looking at the movie listings, and then talking to rebecca and sharon. it had to be a movie that would get out before twelve and also at a theater near a metro stop. we decided to go see metropolis at foundry (the $3 theater). i said something about the rossyln stop, and sharon was like oh no no, you get off at foggy bottom, and so we got her to give us directions from foggy bottom to the movies. she said is was just a 5 minute walk.

i worked for a couple more hours, and then met rebecca at the foggy bottom metro stop. i pulled out the map sharon drew for us, we walked three blocks to our right, made a left for a block, and then walked three blocks to our left. visualize this. it is a big circle and a big waste of time, and sharon's directions were grade a not helpful. we eventually made it to the theater, and watched this really fun anime japanese film. rebecca dozed off during parts. if i was more tired i probably would have too. some of the scenes in the middle were just plain unexciting. but most of them was kick-ass awesome. and it dealt with fun old noir issues of the city and dealt with paranoia about machinery, and insecurity about the role of man in an industrial world. real fun stuff. and there are so many things i want to talk about with this movie, but i doubt anyone's seen it and so my comments would be sort of boring.

but whatever, the robot that they build to be the ruler of their city is a blonde, blue-eyed girl. all the other characters are dark-haired and dark-eyed. fun construtction of ideals of beauty issues here. some really awesome comic-book style extended still shots. and the last line of the movie: "who am i?" - subtitles allowed the movie to get away with this. could you imagine an american movie trying to end with "who am i?," people would huff and puff and laugh like they knew better under their breath, and just think it was real cheesy - subtitles always give films an air of gravitas - and i know that this lies completely with my own fucked-up self for thinking that foriegn equals better, but i know i'm not the only one, i think everyone grants subtitled films more dignity or something. but anyways this movie pulled off the existential line so well.

and we walked back to the metro station, no trees around, cars zooming by us on m street, throngs of impersonal people, buildings built on top of one another, road crew doing construction on the road with big loud machines, and i was somewhere amongst all of this, i don't know where - i don't know if my identity was compromised by the urban chaos around me, and this is all so pre-WWII, but whatever - that's my favorite era for movies - and the question still remains, an unanswered i love you, the pause to think about the beauty of the statement and whether or not it should be responded to with another i love you, or if it should just be left to float out there in the air, a slowly passing cloud or a lingering fart - either way, the question remains: who am i?

a man bought some grapefruit today and complained about the price - i could not help but get nostalgic thinking about picking grapefruits off of peopl

i've heard bad things about the hunan king. he's a bad, bad man. or, so i've been told. whenever anyone takes a break at work, john warns them time and time again to steer clear of the hunan king - that the food there will make you sick. appearantly he got sick a couple months ago, and intends to never forgive the soveriegn of hunans. and not wanting to get sick, i always take his advice and stay away from the hunan king. i wandered around eastern market during my break, looking at all the vendors, looking at overpriced tomatos that did not look in season, looking at bad flea market art, looking at all the young, happy couples. for some reason, there seemed to be an insane amount of gay male couples. i come to eastern market all the time and i swear to god, i never notice this many gay couples. maybe it was just something about the weather today that drew them. or maybe i am just extremely lonely and was a lot more attentive to their prescence.

i walked past hunan king - the place was completely empty - i felt so sad for them - i kind of wanted to go and give them some business - but i wasn't so much in the mood for chinese and still somewhat wary of john's ominous warnings. so, i went to sizzling express, where the salad bar is by the pound. i bought .94 lbs of food. i then ate it. duh, what else am i going to do with it?

back at work, the peanut butter machine broke. and some cute granola boy came and bought so much food from the bulk section, and he had red hair, and fatigue pants, and an americorps sweatshirt. he looked gay, but such things are always up in the air. and he needed help with the pb machine. pb and j. peanut...peanut butter! ... and jelly! dude, i want to eat pb and j sandwiches with you. it could be the best pb and j you've ever eaten. but i didn't say this, of course, i just tried to fix the machine for him, and settled for silly small talk with him - but he had the biggest grin ever, and he was sooo cute. and of course, i could not get the pb machine to work since i am a grade a klutz which also means that i am not at all good with fixing shit (i am good with breaking shit), and granola boy left with his bulk foods. i so hope granola boy comes back into the store. most of the people that come there are regulars and i recognize them and know a few names, and hopefully (fingers crossed), granola boy will soon become addicted to the yes, and i will then have numerous stalking opportunities.

i fell asleep on the metro home, totally konked out. woke up when everyone got off at huntington. came home, watched the simpsons and malcolm in the middle with my parents. well, with my mom. my dad didn't really watch it. he just sort of sat there, falling asleep and occasionally waking up to read the paper. then i went jogging, and jogged past the construction site for this sunrise retirement community that they are building near my house. the complex was pretty much all built - but not to the point where they had locking doors on it yet. so, i decided to take a little adventurooney and snuck through the fence, and covertly made my way to the future complex for old folks. i then found an unlocked door and started wondering the halls, sort of really terrified that i would be caught. looking in all the rooms. climbing stairs. super quiet, but the place was lit, but empty and it so felt like the shining, when bobby is riding his big wheels down all the halls.

after spending far too long wandering around sunrise, i jogged back home, and watched queer as folk, which i am really loving. and i used to hate the show. but it has definitly grown on me and i really look forward to watching new episodes. maybe my tastes are getting worse. or maybe i just really enjoy watching something about cute gay boys. maybe both. maybe today there were about eight million dudes that i seriously looked at in a desirous way, coveting their bodies. maybe i am getting tired. maybe the end.

she really wants to be a fag hag, but i ain't about to be her fag

please, please don't ever say "lol" in response to something i say to you, unless you want me to hate you forever. please. is there a way to sign on to aol annonymously so that i don't have to talk to people when i don't feel like it? please stop im'ing me, i did not sign on to the internet to talk to your stupid lol ass.

**********************

today, i woke up at three. what is wrong with me? sat around on my ass for an hour, when i realized i should probably go out to springfield to pick up my prescription refill. they were closing at four-thirty and it takes half an hour to get there, and i left at about four, so i am already pushing it. start daydreaming, spacing out as i am driving down route one (the alexandria equivalent of 41) ... why the hell did i shave my crotch, it itches like no other, and i'm starting to get a rash, this is grade a the dumbest thing i've done in a long time - how is it that service merchandise is still open - sleep for days - doing the moonwalk sideways while skiing downhill, yeah that was a real weird dream - nora. [bonnie, please for the love of god do not remind nora that i have an online diary or anyone else, i hate finding out that other people read it sometimes.] wondering how me and nora were good friends for so long, wondering why i feel the urge to shoot her everytime i encounter her now, wondering who changed,, she really wants to be a fag hag but i ain't going to be her fag,, maybe she can call clay, he seems to enjoy playing that role. ... and fucking shit, i snapped out of my spacing out, and wondered what the fuck i was doing. where the fuck am i? what am i doing? where am i driving to? i was about ten miles past the place where i was supposed to turn, and totatlly freaking out that i could be so spacey. i make a u-turn, backtrack, and put the shit in high gear, despearatly trying to get there before it closed.

i squealed into the parking lot at 4:28, ran into the lobby, they were shuttering all the little pharmacist windows. i ran up to one of the ones still open and got my refill.

on the way back home, i stopped and picked up the le tigre cd because i had been downloading a bunch of their songs since hearing them and decided that i actually really liked them.

i talked to sarah on the phone who wanted me to go out with her to phase, a scary butch dyke bar. i, of course, said no. sarah kept on trying to convince me to come, not understanding why i would be uncomfortable there, and why i think that my presence would probably annoy most of the club's patrons. she always wants to go to all these lesbian clubs. dude, i would go to straight clubs or mixed clubs with her, but she always is all about clubs that terrify me. i need to make some gay male friends or straight friends who i can go out with. i also have to wake up at eight in the morning for work, and am a big fan of the z's, so did not feel like spending all night at some dyke bar.

**********************
i talked to becky on the phone today. and she was like, so what have you been up to? i tried to tell her, but everything i said, she was like, "oh yeah, i heard that." (which i think reads: yeah, i read your diary.) and that made me sort of uncomfortable that i had no new news for becky. that she knew everything i tried to tell her and the last time i had personally talked to her was about a month ago.

**********************
after deciding not to go out with sarah, i thought that i'd go to power video and rent a movie. i spent like half an hour getting dressed, trying on like a gazillion different things, hoping (and making myself believe) that there would be a cute, surly boy (or boys) working tonight that i would talk to. so, i should wear something fun and somewhat hip looking. (read: not pajamas) i then decided that i really wanted to see julien, donkey-boy, after reading dogme 95's manifesto last night. i was real excited by reading dogme 95 - it gave me lots of ideas for my own artistic manifesto, which is slowly coming along. and i saw that one dogme 95 film was julien, donkey boy. that film out of the others stuck out in my mind because i had heard people mention it before.

so i go to power all ready to rent the movie and to talk to some cute video boy. first of all, no cute boys. rick dugan is working. a hick from west potomac's class of '00, that i have known since elementary school. so so disappointing. hick boy, where are the cute surly boys with black hair? i wandered around the store looking for the video, could not find it, asked rick fucking dugan about it. and he said that they did not have it. fuck. fucking fuckity shit.

power, you are going downhill, where are all the cute boys with peircings that worked there when i was in high school? where is the fucking video i want? some fucking bullshit is what this is. i drove to video vault, which seriously has every movie ever, and they didn't fucking have it either. i was so sad for some reason. a combination of loneliness, stir-craziness, boredom, frustration at laziness, and the fact that neither video store had the video. and i seriously wanted to cry. i drove home, mopey as hell, and watched the virgin suicides on showtime, which was fairly good, and had josh hartnett doing his best to look like jordan catilano. i really want to watch "my so-called life," oh how i loved that show. anyways, the movie put me in a much better mood. but still felt lonely, especially during the josh hartnett scenes, oh i really do need to start going out so i can meet some boy to hang out with and hopefully smooch. but more importantly, hug. i really just want to hold on to someone tight, and for them to hold me tight. and god, i just really want a big hug right now.

oh- next friday, forty days and forty nights opens, the new josh hartnett movie that looks sooo good. another opening weekend viewing of a teen movie is in my future, says the mystical esmerelda.

am~

today i dreamed of teaching English in Japan
tokyo-Shibuyait sounds like a hip place

my desires to constantly move here and there, japan, wisconsin, ny, fl, etc. are perhaps emerging out of my desire for friends. maybe also for a boyfriend. i think to myself that new city=circle of friends. but i delude myself, i know i'd be just as socially awkward and lonely wherever i went

. and tracy chapman, i can still hear you singing it: "why when there's so many of us, are there people still alone?"

and why are there, tracy? particularly me - why am i still alone?

porn porn random shot of noodles boiling porn porn porn person walking dog porn porn person waiting in line at wal-mart porn porn porn

we're not out to erect monuments, stones, statues, or any other such vainglorious bullshit - we're concerned with the erection of cocks and nipples. the here and now.

thiNGs that I WOulD ReALLY, REALly LiKE To DO:
-learn how to surf
-dip my toes in the motherfucking pacific
-learn how to play the guitar
-go skiing
-play putt putt golf drunk with someone
-to still be living at my old house in Florida

are you an american?

this is going to be breif and rapidly written cause i need to go to power video before they close.

today at work, a woman remembered me asking her about metro card sleeves, after seeing hers, and she brought me one. that made my day.

i talked to kathy forever - the coolest fifty year old i know. she was working today, and that made me so excited, because we always had so much fun talking over the summer. salome, who used to work there, is now in china getting paid to be a lounge singer. that seems so wild and makes me really want to spread my wings beyond dc.

this silly old, spanish european man asked me i was an american. he then asked me if i was in the army, because of my close-cropped hair not jokingly. i think maybe having close-cropped hair makes look like more a latino or something, i don't know.

rebecca came to visit me. that made me smile for a while. silly rhymes, whoo!

i left a message for sarah to call me so we could hang out tonight, and of course, she never called me back, and so now it is ten thirty and i feel like i can't call her because i will wake up her parents. and god, this is so silly, now i am stuck at home, bored silly, and about to make a trip to the video store. i really need to make some more friends or leave virginia.

i got off work at 9, got to huntington and my car at 9:40, and sat in my car for twenty minutes because i am the cheapest person i know. after ten, you don't have to pay for parking. and the parking fee is $2.25. dude, i can sit and wait in my car for twenty minutes and save 2.25. but, i wasn't the only cheapskate, there were about ten other nice cars with businessy people driving them, waiting so they wouldn't have to pay. while waiting, i ate the box of sushi that i stole from work and listened to mixed 107.3, which played bryan adams' "heaven," which for some reason sounded so so good. i think i might dowload it later tonight. i mean, it's not like i have much else to do.

two sad things

first, talking to rebecca on im, i find out that she is leaving next friday for about three weeks to go on some taco bell tour of truth all around the country, which good for her and all, but i will be so sad and lonely without rebecca. and she's like, what, didn't i tell you about this? um, no you didn't rebecca. and then after that she will be back in va for about a week before she jaunts off to live on a farm, another thing she just told me about. and part of the reason, i got a job at yes, was because i thought it'd be cool to work in eastern market, cause that's where rebecca works. dude, now i don't want to stay in virginia at all. i think i might go crazy without rebecca. gary will seriously kill me if i leave yes now after he rearranged the schedule and was real nice and hired me again. but, i just emailed someone who is looking for kids to work in panama city for the spring break crowd, and i'm going to look for other things to do to, i guess. this is so upsetting.

second sad thing: appearantly ponyluv is killing off her diary because of some dickhead guestbook stalker, and that made me really sad after talking to rebecca and going to ponyluv's site and seeing: "the end."

i really need to find a hobby to occupy my free time

today, i shaved my head with the clippers. i was planning on taking a shower right after, and so was naked in the bathroom, listening to the cure, and buzzing hair off the top of my head. when i was done buzzing my head, i for some reason buzzed a bit of my pubes. and, i don't know why i thought it would be fun now, but at the time i thought it would be sort of fun to shave my pubic hair. and so, i did. and then i thought it would be fun to take pictures of the sink full of floating hair, and to maybe take some kiddie porn type pics in my wood-paneled basement. so, i run and grab my camera and of course, i have no color film. so, i try loading a black and white roll, and realize that my motherfucking camera is for some reason not working. the shutter release and the film advance were not working, and so the film would not load. and the battery wasn't dead. so, i might have to take it to get it fixed, which i ain't so happy about.

i then thought that i might as well go for the total hairless thing. and started shaving my legs. it took so fucking long, but i felt like i had to shave them once i shaved a bit of them. i really wished i would never have started, because it seriously took like over an hour. oh, and i shaved my armpits too. and don't ask me why i did this. there really was no reason at all, and no i am sort of regretting it because i am itching everywhere that i shaved. it feels sort of cool to stick my hand down my pants and feel skin where there used to be hair, but other than that, this has been totally not worth it, especially since my camera is broken and i can't even take the kiddie porn pics.

and then after that whole dealy, i went to the newstand/porn store that is far less scary than going into the actual huge porn store, mvc, which is like the wal-mart of porn stores. this newstand is a lot tinier, and has far less moments of trying not to make eye contact with the other pervs. and all the gay porn looked like crap, so i got a copy of my favorite porn mag, which i haven't read since like high school. hustler is everything a porn mag should be. and it has a cool political slant, which is also pretty rad. why is there no gay equivalent of hustler? why are gay porn mags so not hot? and then, i thought that if i ever come into a bundle of money, i want to publish a real good and sleazy gay porn mag. cho yesterday asked me if i had any dreams. i said no, and babbled some bullshit about trying not to think linearlly and living in the moment, but i think i can now say that i have a dream.

i bought some dishwashing detergent at the wal-mart. the star that is between the wal and the mart on the light up sign on the front of the store was not lit. the bulb must have burnt out. it seemed sort of sad that the star was burnt out. why can't the wal and the mart burn out, and just leave a bright shining star up there?

and the rest of my night was just as uneventful. recapitulation is so not utilitarian. cut and paste is the way to go:

eleuthura [rebecca]: mmm....charlie, i'm so bored...are you bored out of your mind right now??
Indigopig [me, duh]: why are you so bored
Indigopig: i was real bored earlier, and so hoping that my friend sarah would call me back so i could escaper my house
Indigopig: but no, i've resigned myself to a night of doing nothing
Indigopig: i might go jogging in a while, but i always feel weird about jogging real late at night here
eleuthura: yeah, i was having a real fun night, but i knew i was gonna be sooo bored when everyone whnt to sleep...and i tried to call kim and maggie etc to see what they were up to and to go over there, but they didn't answer either of maggie's phones, so now i'm bored
eleuthura: yeah i was thinking of waking up early and going jogging
eleuthura: my sister and i went rollar blading from about 10 to 11 and it was sooo fun!!
Indigopig: thats cool, i for some dumb reason put my rolllerblades on the free table last year
Indigopig: and i really wanted them now, cause my mom goes rollerblading all the time
Indigopig: god, rollerblades would be so fun right now, i think i might buy another pair soon
Indigopig: or maybe a skateboard, and i could try to be a skater. key word: try
eleuthura: yeah, i hadn't used my rollar blades in sooo long and it was sooo fun, fer real...yeah dude though, it would be fun to be a skater...i think i'
eleuthura: d
eleuthura: probably get frustrated with it though, because every time i've tried to skate board i've been soooo sooo real bad at it
Indigopig: yeah i pretty much have really sucked too every time i have tried
Indigopig: i look like the little skater groupie girl who trys very badly to ride the skater boy's skateboard
Indigopig: and looks like a dog trying to drive a car or something real silly
eleuthura: yeah, i just look like a fuckin idiot, ya know
Indigopig: yeah, i know

a thousand some marky marks

work was anything but. they had far too many people working, and so it was stand around, talk with co-workers, and pretend to be straightening merchandise time. cho asked me for the millionth time why i don't have a girlfriend. and for the millionth time, i asked him why he didn't. he came from korea a few years ago, and so his english is lacking, and conversations can have a real surreal aspect to them.

cho: so, are there lots of girls at your umm college?
me: uh, yeah. i guess there are lots.
cho: so, why didn't you have a girlfriend? i don't understand. you are tall and handsome, why didn't you get one.
me: i don't know. and, why don't you have a girlfriend?
cho: huh, i don't know, maaan.

and on and on, all day. me finding cho's views on men and women and girlfriends so so funny, and laughing that he thinks every boy should just have a girlfriend.

han, later in the day asked me if i was a mexican. since he is about sixty, and also just mainly speaks korean, i took no offense to this. normally, i would have kicked some ignorant ass, but han's real cool and we talked for a while. and it sort of made me excited that he thought i was "mexican." i get real exicited when someone thinks of me as "a minority" or whatever, or whenever anyone thinks i'm not white. i know that's real lame to get excited about such a thing, but i do.

and then maggie, rebecca, and KIMMY!!! came to visit me at work. i was so excited to see kim. i love kim so much. she just radiates something that makes me smile whenever i am around her.

then after i got off work, i met up with rebecca and we went to the black cat to see la la le tigre. waiting in line outside the club, me and rebecca getting so so excited. her about the band. me about the crowd. i kept on talking to rebecca, pointing out all the cool indie kids in line around us. me getting real scared of all of them. we were crashing the cool kids party. i felt so out of place. rebecca told me how weird it is that i am so terrified of indie kids yet also so in love with them. and rebecca, so together, said something with a couple of dudes, like, "dude, i usually don't like anyone i'm terrified of; dude, usually i hate them."

and we were there, we somehow infiltrated the party. hip indie kids as far as the eye could see. there were only a couple other non-"hipsters" there - some cute, dreaded hippy boys. we saw bluebird, who graduated last year, and she's so weird and talked forever to us (but really to rebecca, i was just sort of there). kerplunk.

and we had missed the first band, and the second band, wau-wau sisters took the stage. and no one danced, because they were too hip for such things. a few people would self-consciously bob their heads. and this lack of dancing (or movement) also may have been because the band was not the most sonically pleasing. musically they sucked big time. but as performance art, they were pretty fucking rad. and i was sort of expecting the worst, thinking that le tigre would be something similar.

but thank fucking god, they came out, and rocked the place. rocked in the rocking sense of the word. they cranked the volume, making it about 4 times as loud, made it darker, and just rocked. loud music, no matter what it is, makes people dance more. and when it is good dancey rock, with lots of fun beats, and a slighty trippy video show, then people start shaking those limbs. and we all danced and had so much fun. and the band totatlly exceeded my expectations and i was even maybe a little impressed, save for a few lame lyrics like: "the blacks didn't get reparations while we were on vacation." okay, you fucking white broads, singing to an entirely white audience, why don't you fucking quit being such dumbass patronizing motherfuckers. but, i loved you guys anyways - you were real rad music.

and, then i had to leave about halfway through their set, which i was so sad about and totally didn't want to leave, but fucking fuckitty shit, the goddamn metro stops running at twelve for some motherfucking reason. and goddamn, why didn't i drive? rebecca decided to stay and was going to sleep at bluebird's apartment - rebecca tried to convince me to do the same, but as much as i loved dancing to le tigre, and as much as i did not want to have to leave, i even more so did not want to have to stay with the very weird bluebird. for motherfucking sake, i don't even know this kid's real name. what the fuck is bluebird? that sounds like someone's lameass d-land code name, but oh no, this is someone's out loud name, god damn no, i will take the fucking metro, catch you later becks.

and i rode the metro home, feeling real silly with these huge x's on my hands, like a real proud straightedge kid or something. and i didn't want people to see them. i put my hands in my pockets.

"excess ain't rebellion"

well, i can again claim to be part of the american workforce. yesterday, i called yes! organic market to see if they would like to rehire me, and gary (the owner) was like, come in tomorrow, and so i did just that. waking up at six this morning to be at work a little before eight, since it takes about an hour to get there with the metro and all. i loved it, though. i heart yes, big time.

riding the metro in the morning is always so fun. i love being in big, annonymous crowds - looking at everyone, wondering where they are going to work, watching them sleep and yawn. waiting at l'enfant to transfer to the blue line, i sat on a bench. yawned. and the yawn is still going. i've been in a yawn since that metro yawn this morning. i was at that point far away from my bed, and so were all the other people around me waiting for the next train. but at that yawn, i snuggled in my jacket, so so wanting to just get back under my covers and snuggle. and i could see that everyone standing there wanted the same thing. i mean even the stuffy congressional staffers secretly yearned to snuggle under some covers, and to wrap their arms around someone, and resist the transition from sleep to awake. a blissful resistance that is perhaps the best feeling in the world. mmm. sleep covers sleep. mmm.

i thought about how wonderful it would be, if we could all just snuggle up together. you could spoon me. and i could tug on the covers, leaving your legs exposed to the world of awakeness. and you would tug back, trying with all your might to stay in slumberland - to keep your body sheltered from the awake world, by making sure that every inch of your body is under the covers. and we could sleep in. hit snooze multiple times and feel like we were little and loved, and that there was nothing at all wrong in the world. it could be so so good, but alas, no gigantic bed with covers to be found on this metro platform. and so we stood there, looking into the distance at the tracks, looking for the lights of the metro. trying to find someplace to direct our eyes - not wanting to make eye contact with one another and see that everyone else wanted to curl up in bed, too. we don't look, but imagine that everyone else is eager to be a busybee and go to work, and that our sleep urges need to be repressed. but, i looked at you and could see that you did want to curl back up in bed. i could see the nostalgia for sleep in your expression. but, you kept your eyes focused down the tracks. maybe next time, i will try to make eye contact. but more likely, maybe not. after all, we gots to get paid.

and the metro arrived, and in about ten minutes, i got off at the eastern market stop, feeling the wonderful comfort of routine. doing what i did just about every day over the summer. and it felt like i was returning home. pennsylvannia avenue looked beautiful in its slight grittiness. i glanced at all the different newspapers from all over sitting in the newspaper machines that circled the entrance/exit to the metro. and, ha, how many times will i read these top halves of newspapers in these same machines? will i ever actually buy one? or just continue to read the top half through the glass? how many times have i done this already? but, it's different everyday. new newspapers daily. the repetition of the act is counteracted by newspaper dudes switiching the newspapers bright and early in the morning before i arrive, so i have something new to look at each morning. they are little elves, toothfairies, and santas working in the middle of the night, while the good kids are asleep, leaving new newspapers under their pillow. and not even taking a tooth for it.

and i crossed penn ave, darting between cars, and seeing for the first time for the millionth time, the imposing dome of the capitol, just a few blocks away. the sun was still on its way up, and the capital was striped with hazy sunlight.

and then i walked into yes, and saw gary, and he was so nice, and i talked to him for a while. clocked in, talked to john, so happy to see even him, who usually i think is a big idiot. made my way to the front of the store, saw cho, and he gave me a big hug, and i was so glad he was still working there. we always joke with each other and make fun of each other, and he's so fun to work with. seeing many of the same customers who came in every day. i probably should have called yes right away after getting home, but i knew that gary would need me to work, and i think i was secretly resisting having to work, and had postponed calling them.

after work, i went out to springfield to get some labwork done at the doctor's. i had not eaten all day because i wasn't supposed to eat for twelve hours before i got the blood taken. i came home and no joke passed out in bed. woke up at eight something, still feeling tired and crappy. my body is so not used to actually working and waking up early. tomorrow i work from 2-9, and then straight from there, i am going to the le tigre show with rebecca. she really wanted to go, and i was like, sounds fun. so, hopefully it will be, and sadly i have never heard one le tigre song, and didn't cake say something about this:

"Now tickets to concerts and drinking at clubs, / Sometimes for music that you haven't even heard of. / And how much did you pay for your rock'n'roll t-shirt / That proves you were there, / That you heard of them first? / How do you afford your rock'n'roll lifestyle?"