Saturday, February 23, 2002

she really wants to be a fag hag, but i ain't about to be her fag

please, please don't ever say "lol" in response to something i say to you, unless you want me to hate you forever. please. is there a way to sign on to aol annonymously so that i don't have to talk to people when i don't feel like it? please stop im'ing me, i did not sign on to the internet to talk to your stupid lol ass.


today, i woke up at three. what is wrong with me? sat around on my ass for an hour, when i realized i should probably go out to springfield to pick up my prescription refill. they were closing at four-thirty and it takes half an hour to get there, and i left at about four, so i am already pushing it. start daydreaming, spacing out as i am driving down route one (the alexandria equivalent of 41) ... why the hell did i shave my crotch, it itches like no other, and i'm starting to get a rash, this is grade a the dumbest thing i've done in a long time - how is it that service merchandise is still open - sleep for days - doing the moonwalk sideways while skiing downhill, yeah that was a real weird dream - nora. [bonnie, please for the love of god do not remind nora that i have an online diary or anyone else, i hate finding out that other people read it sometimes.] wondering how me and nora were good friends for so long, wondering why i feel the urge to shoot her everytime i encounter her now, wondering who changed,, she really wants to be a fag hag but i ain't going to be her fag,, maybe she can call clay, he seems to enjoy playing that role. ... and fucking shit, i snapped out of my spacing out, and wondered what the fuck i was doing. where the fuck am i? what am i doing? where am i driving to? i was about ten miles past the place where i was supposed to turn, and totatlly freaking out that i could be so spacey. i make a u-turn, backtrack, and put the shit in high gear, despearatly trying to get there before it closed.

i squealed into the parking lot at 4:28, ran into the lobby, they were shuttering all the little pharmacist windows. i ran up to one of the ones still open and got my refill.

on the way back home, i stopped and picked up the le tigre cd because i had been downloading a bunch of their songs since hearing them and decided that i actually really liked them.

i talked to sarah on the phone who wanted me to go out with her to phase, a scary butch dyke bar. i, of course, said no. sarah kept on trying to convince me to come, not understanding why i would be uncomfortable there, and why i think that my presence would probably annoy most of the club's patrons. she always wants to go to all these lesbian clubs. dude, i would go to straight clubs or mixed clubs with her, but she always is all about clubs that terrify me. i need to make some gay male friends or straight friends who i can go out with. i also have to wake up at eight in the morning for work, and am a big fan of the z's, so did not feel like spending all night at some dyke bar.


i talked to becky on the phone today. and she was like, so what have you been up to? i tried to tell her, but everything i said, she was like, "oh yeah, i heard that." (which i think reads: yeah, i read your diary.) and that made me sort of uncomfortable that i had no new news for becky. that she knew everything i tried to tell her and the last time i had personally talked to her was about a month ago.


after deciding not to go out with sarah, i thought that i'd go to power video and rent a movie. i spent like half an hour getting dressed, trying on like a gazillion different things, hoping (and making myself believe) that there would be a cute, surly boy (or boys) working tonight that i would talk to. so, i should wear something fun and somewhat hip looking. (read: not pajamas) i then decided that i really wanted to see julien, donkey-boy, after reading dogme 95's manifesto last night. i was real excited by reading dogme 95 - it gave me lots of ideas for my own artistic manifesto, which is slowly coming along. and i saw that one dogme 95 film was julien, donkey boy. that film out of the others stuck out in my mind because i had heard people mention it before.

so i go to power all ready to rent the movie and to talk to some cute video boy. first of all, no cute boys. rick dugan is working. a hick from west potomac's class of '00, that i have known since elementary school. so so disappointing. hick boy, where are the cute surly boys with black hair? i wandered around the store looking for the video, could not find it, asked rick fucking dugan about it. and he said that they did not have it. fuck. fucking fuckity shit.

power, you are going downhill, where are all the cute boys with peircings that worked there when i was in high school? where is the fucking video i want? some fucking bullshit is what this is. i drove to video vault, which seriously has every movie ever, and they didn't fucking have it either. i was so sad for some reason. a combination of loneliness, stir-craziness, boredom, frustration at laziness, and the fact that neither video store had the video. and i seriously wanted to cry. i drove home, mopey as hell, and watched the virgin suicides on showtime, which was fairly good, and had josh hartnett doing his best to look like jordan catilano. i really want to watch "my so-called life," oh how i loved that show. anyways, the movie put me in a much better mood. but still felt lonely, especially during the josh hartnett scenes, oh i really do need to start going out so i can meet some boy to hang out with and hopefully smooch. but more importantly, hug. i really just want to hold on to someone tight, and for them to hold me tight. and god, i just really want a big hug right now.

oh- next friday, forty days and forty nights opens, the new josh hartnett movie that looks sooo good. another opening weekend viewing of a teen movie is in my future, says the mystical esmerelda.

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