Monday, February 4, 2002

talking shit and loving it - but i mean, shit is such a subjective term

i have just woken up from being passed out in bed. sleep seems too gentle a term. this was hardcore knocked-outness. i got home at 10:30 this morning from the airport, dropped my backpack at the bottom of the stairs, feeling like i could sleep right there on the stairs, but no no no, c'mon you can make it to the bed. drop on to the bed, ready to sleep, feel slightly horny, stick hand under the elastic band of my boxers, start stroking my penis, and that is the last i remember. i half woke-up who knows how much later, realizing my hand was still in my pants, holding a soft penis. i removed my hand so i could roll over on to my stomach and sleep forever.

the reason for this tiredness is florida. i had such a wonerful time in florida, cramming as many adventures with missed people into one weekend as possible, running around with bonnie and rebecca and feeling that i was actually living in the present tense. the night before i left for florida, i got about three hours of sleep. the first two nights i was there i got about five hours of sleep each night. and last night, i got two hours of sleep. my body is a big fan of the z's, and so i have been running on empty for the past few days, fueled by the excitement of seeing and playing with people i have not seen in a couple of months.

i sort of was regretting taking a semester off, being so in love with everyone at new college. but, i still do not think i could handle being in school right now, as much as i do love dancing at walls, my old house, screaming, stalking marky mark, the beach, and all of the many fun things about sarasota - i think i would big time feel like slamming my head against hard objects, the second i had to sit through my first class.

this weekend, i even enountered a couple of people that i was like wow, you have got the shit figured out, inspiring me to want to get my shit together, to be so collected, and guided by principles. both of these people are people with whom i have never really talked with much. this used to be a far more frequent occurence, of encountering wow people that make you take a second and third look. but lately, falling prey to the sickness of cynicism, i find myself less and less impressed with people, thinking that usually their personality is just a front - a show of sorts. and so, feeling these feelings of inspiration were quite exciting, and for this reason, they are being noted here so that i will remember that it did occur.

the first of these persons is jesse, who i do not even think i've ever seen before. but she is twenty, married, with a baby, and very happy looking. on saturday, bonnie, nikki, rebecca, and i went to the beach with jesse, john, and their little baby. seeing someone that is my own age with a baby, and completely happy about it, seemed so weird. the family unit was made to seem beautiful. this process of creating life, for some reason always seems like a stage in people's lives that is far away in the hypothetical not forseeable future. seeing her breastfeed the baby on the beach was such a beautiful sight. a pig suckles its infants. cats and cows do the same. it's just something that is associated with mammals, that i tend to forget humans also do. but, there jesse was suckling her infant on this gorgeous beach, seeming like the most natural thing in the world. everything other than that seemed silly and contrived. silly social norms that encourage waiting to have kids, and encouraging people not to, seemed so so stupid at the sight of this gorgeous natural process.

the other person whom i encountered that made me think how impressive they were, was joann - the person that is now living in my old room, with bonnie and anne. i was sitting on the couch by myself, just reading and relaxing, and joann came home, and so i got the opportunity to talk with joann alone, whom i have never really seriously talked with. she started singing so that she could record a song for some guy, and her voice was just heaven. she lives her life guided by buddhist thought, and she seems so so together - that she has it all figured out - and it doesn't seem to be an image she is trying to project, but she really does seem to have some understanding of the why questions. and then later, she asked niki out on a date. just asked her. did not get neurotic about liking someone and playing run-around. she just asked her. and it seemed so simple, and made all my fretting about boys seem so so childish, particulary a one mister marky mark.

he very most likely knows that i am obsessed with him (unless he's completely dumb), and yet i never express this to him, except in the form of giddily running up to him, to babble to him about something or other. i need to take a cue from joann in my dealings with people that i like, and just say it, instead of holding on to that information, fearing to disclose it like they're nuclear codes or something.

seeing marky mark has made me feel very pathatic and very much so makes me want someone to smooch. he is so fucking cute. i talk to him, and stare at how tiny his wrist looks in his bulkly watchband. his tiny wrists, before glancing at his terrified eyes, but quickly averting my eyes to his cute brown hair, then to his nipples, which always seem to be just slightly visible underneath his cute, threadbare shirts. the structure of his face arousing me - cheekbones positioned in such a way that make true the title i refer to him by: the cutest boy ever.

a couple of people that i have gushed to about how cute marky mark is, have wondered why i am so obsessed with him, saying that he is boring and slow. and, on the plane ride back to virginia, i was wondering the exact same question - why am i so obsessed with marky mark? i know absolutly nothing about him. i have never had anything more than brief, superficial converstaions with him, composed mostly of me ranting about something, and him giving me a blank stare something along the lines of indifference. is my liking of him based on nothing more than his bone structure? is this a skeleton love? it does seem to be that way, since i really know nothing about this kid, other than what he looks like. but, then why do i like any of the boys that i find myself having crushes on? has it not always been some physical property or combination of them, that attracts me to a person. or, might there acutally be such thing as essence - that you can actually glimpse through the way a person carries themselves? or is just that i love the thrill of having a crush - the excitement that is produced by the sight of that person - the easily discussable subject of crushes in social situations? rather than trying to form emotional bonds about something meaningful in conversation, i too frequently resort to talking about my crushes at any lull in the conversation, fearing awkward silences, and uncomfortable departures from conversations that have run out of steam.

and, i think that since i am very much wanting some action, and that i would like to stop just theorizing about these ideas of attraction - but actually be able to discuss them in ideas that are based and formed in actual experiences - of being with someone - that i should try to find a boy in the great state of va, instead of daydreaming about some boy with cool bone structure whom i have never really talked to that lives a thousand some miles away.

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