Saturday, February 28, 2004

Okay, so there is this Cassavette's movie, Minnie and Moskowitz, and it shares a lot of the same themes as A Woman Under the Influence: characters that are unhinged, Gena Rowland being abused by men, awkward conversations, and concluding with a somewhat happy ending. A happy ending in the same way as The Graduate, not totally happy, but the guy and gal are together and they are going to try to make it work. I watched Minnie and Moskowitz last night and loved it so much. While it is disturbing to see Gena Rowland getting roughed up by various guys and then to see her fall in love with one of these abusers, there is something very oddly beautiful about how imperfect this love story is. That both parties are seriously flawed, and they are never going to have the cinematic ideal love, which is interpollated into the movie with clips of old forties movies. Things aren't always perfect, in fact, usually far from it, but it is about living in these imperfect spaces and trying the best you can, making beauty wherever possible.

And so yesterday, I talked to Matt a few times on the phone, apologizing for leaving instead of engaging in dialogue that night, and our last conversation yesterday ended in him saying, "Well I still want to hang out with you if you don't think I am a racist." And I said, "And what if I do think you are racist? I'd still want to hang out with you." And there was laughter and talk of REM and the battery lady. And so yes, thank you, all of you concerned friends for your advice. Compromise is necessary to acheive any sort of happiness, and this boy is really cool, and things are going to change. I am not going to look for any excuse to close myself up to feelings, to sensations that I only rarely get to experience. It is not an even trade. These feelings, this lightness in my stomach when I talk to him on the phone and bounce from foot to foot is something that I don't want to trade. And so again, thank you, and tonight, I am going to hang out with him again. And yes, be a little worried that I am seeing a boy for a third time. Something unheard of. Can I tell you that I have been listening to that Human League song, "I am only human, of flesh and blood I'm made..." on repeat for most of the day? God, being alive is so awesome.

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