The tenth, yesterday, was a remarkably better day than the ones that preceded it, as I promised both you and, more importantly, myself. Promises to other people, those are bad enough to break, but you can deal with those easily enough. But promises with yourself, you can't ignore yourself when you break those, can't just not call yourself for a while. And so I woke up yesterday and was a bit sluggish for about ten seconds and then I had to remember my resolution of the evening before, and I said NEW DAY NEW DAY NEW DAY, and got perkier. I pretty much did the same things I had done on those previous days but did them with an enthusiasm and a joy that was lacking in those earlier days. I read stuff, but did so not so much out of something to do, as out of something I wanted to do. I drank lots of coffee and ate food and treated these as the pleasures they are.
I got a call from John #3 and went over to his house and jacked off and got a blowjob, drank some nice vodka, and got paid some money. This was excellent since otherwise I would have had four dollars to somehow spread out until Friday, which while possible, wouldn't have been entirely enjoyable.
I was so horny with this guy, not because of him, but because of where my mind had been earlier in the day, looking at CFNM (Clothed Females Naked Males) porn and conjuring those images with this guy. I have looked at this stuff before and been turned on by it and yesterday, following a link on Fleshbot and a link there and a link here and there and here and there, I found myself looking at various CFNM sets for hours. Some people are confused when they find out that I enjoy straight porn. I remember Nora was really confused (and I think disturbed) that I had a copy of Hustler, but yeah, I want to talk about this and try to explain. CFNM is a weird subset of straight porn and I really don't understand why it is so big. I mean, I think I sort of understand my own logic in liking it but surely that cannot be the same logic that interests so many other people in it. Do a search for it and see how many results there are. It is totally crazy to me that there are so many people who are all turned on by seeing naked men around clothed females. If you are really interested, this is the site that absorbed so much of my time yesterday, providing hundreds of links to free sets.
CFNM is sort of everything I enjoy about straight porn boiled down to the stuff I really care about. I am not into straight porn that focuses on the females in the shot, where you just see a female being penetrated by disembodied penises. I like seeing the entire male body, head, chest, arms, all of that stuff that some straight porn tends to crop out of the shot. Surely, some of the eroticism I find in straight porn comes from fetishizing heterosexuality, specifically these buff heterosexual men. I definitely do not like straight porn that does not involve hot men. Stuff with fat and/or old men wearing t-shits turns me off. The woman in CFNM is just scenery, a prop to witness these straight men naked and aroused. And yes, that is the critique of porn, that it is misogynistic and that the bodies of women become props, lose their human attributes, so yes, call me sexist, and call me a self-hating fag, too. I am aware that there are lots of problems with my enjoyment of straight porn, but I am trying to understand those, trying to understand something that is impossible to do so, why some thing arouses you and why some thing has the opposite effect.
And CFNM solves this, is essentially straight porn for the homo male, wherein the male becomes the object of attention, of attraction, that instead of three men hovering around the centered woman, here you have five, ten, twenty women all centered around this hunky naked male. The women, for the most part, are clothed in these shots, with the males completely naked. The gaze is shifted from the women to the men.
This is my favorite set that I came across, and mainly just because of this one skinny blonde guy who reminds me of too many people, his face, and the way him and this other male in the shots seem to have a suppressed attraction to each other that manifests itself in this cute competitive sexuality, sharing a look with each other across the back of the woman they are fucking, or watching perhaps a little jealously as the other one gets head. But jealous of the guy getting head, or the woman giving it?
I really think this might just be gay porn made hetero, CFNM, made safe for some guys who wouldn't admit to being attracted to hot naked guys. But then some of this stuff deals with humiliation also, which I guess could attract all the submissives. And then there is also the exhibitionist and voyeur crowds that would also be turned on by this. It takes all kinds. Thus, the large amount of this stuff. But how did this snowball start? Who decided to organize these shots, that they would have naked men and females dressed. It even has an acronym.
Just so you are not totally worried, I also watched a gay porn last night at this guy's house, Czech gay porn. Apparently, Eastern Europeans are all that's hot in porn now. And yes, this porn did turn me on a lot also, lithe young boys with big uncut dicks rolling around together.
The tenth was awesome, is what I am trying to say. As was, as is today, the eleventh, because if the weathermen are to be believed this snow that started an hour ago is the start of a blizzard, and a predicted eight to twelve inches should soon cover my city. The snow has me incredibly giddy. I walked past an old sex partner today on the street, and that sent me on a nostalgic fingering of past moments in bed, of places I used to live and today is awesome, because those days were and they can come back to me, I can travel back in time, just with the sight of a person, with the way my scarf feels and the way it felt a couple years ago on this same block, my first New York winter. You can keep your phone booth in front of your Circle K. What I've got works much better, anyway.