Sunday, March 30, 2008

I start working in an office tomorrow. It has been quite a while since your narrator has had to be a member of the workforce, putting on adult clothes and riding the crowded subway with everyone else in the morning, heading toward an office, all of them basically the same, variations on a them, all boring, to do boring tasks for eight hours. I need to quit thinking of it in such negative terms if I am actually to last at this job. It is especially hard for me to be excited about working since I don't really need to, since I am doing all right financially without having a normal job, but would just like to have a definite source of income of a known amount so that I can save and plan for traveling this summer. I will be working two blocks from Central Park, which is a plus, though I am not sure it will be enough of one to counteract the tediousness that I am sure entails working in the purchasing department of a big company, doing data entry, typing numbers upon numbers into spreadsheets.

I also feel vaguely sexually frustrated right now and perhaps that is because I know I have to wake up early tomorrow and I am looking for some distraction - that, or it could be that these past few days without sex are the longest I have gone without it in a few weeks. Monday night I got into a bout of bitchiness with Diego and we ended up not getting off that night, instead just slept without really touching somehow in his twin-sized bed, both a bit mad at the other. And since that night, my feelings toward him have changed quite a bit and I am not sure why and am also not sure what it is I now desire from him. This weekend, I ran into him on both Friday and Saturday night and doing so certainly prevented me from being the slut I would have otherwise been, prevented me from probably being sexually satisfied now. Both nights it was clear that he wanted to go home with me, him looking sad when I told him that I was going to go home by myself. This boy is really sexy. He really likes me. And so it would seem so obvious that I would want to jump in bed with him, but both nights I most definitely did not want to and couldn't really understand why. I need to either get over this weirdness and sleep with him asap or tell him that I don't want to sleep with him anymore so that I can pursue other people when I find myself in the same bar as him.

For a while, prior going to London, I was really excited about him and crazy about him, but hanging out with David for a couple of weeks took away the singularness of that crush feeling that I had toward him and him telling me about breaking up with his boyfriend I didn't know about kind of brought me down to Earth a little also.

I am looking for something and I am not sure what, and if it didn't sound so embarrassing I would just be honest and say that I am looking for love, and I don't think it's here is the problem and I think that maybe I should try to find it with someone else. But then that also seems stupid - that this is a boy I like and find interesting and who is really attractive, that I should abandon these fantasies of what things should be and be happy with this actually really good thing.

Again, I don't know. I got stoned today and thought about these things a lot, read from this travel guide to Mexico, did laundry, cleaned my apartment, and ate a burrito.

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