I have been really motivated the past week to change my situation and find a job. I have a level of energy toward this that I have not been able to muster ever in New York. Niki today asked me why I have turned over a new leaf, and last night, I was thinking the same question after I spent hours writing cover letters and finally after getting off the computer at three in the morning, then when I was getting in bed, I wondered what it exactly it was that pushed me over the edge, and I realized that it was Bonnie's last night here when she was in New York, listening to her talk about her life and what she wanted to do with it. So thanks, Bonnie. It made me depressed that I never really pondered any similar questions and that I have wasted so much time already doing nothing and the thoughts have still not managed to verbalize themselves either in my head or on my lips - but still, I have this energy, this unexamined energy to just do something. I have sent out resumes and cover letters to so many places in the past couple days, and today, eager just to be working, I hit the streets today, spending five hours walking around in the heat getting a major farmer's tan.
And yes, this would be going against my own resolution to myself when I was twenty-three to not be working in retail when I turned twenty-four. But, I need money. I need to be doing something with my time. And, even if I do get one of these retail jobs I applied at today, I will be applying to non-retail jobs until I get one. I had a really nice talk with the owner of Unicorn Video (a gay porn/video booth store) today and even though so many people were applying for that job just in the fifteen minutes I was there, I think I have a pretty good chance. I clicked with the owner really well and she said she would make her decision by the end of the week. It sounds like a fun/funny job. She told me that you have to judge people and whether they are sober enough to go into the back, and if they are not, you have to deny them admission. She told me that people will get really verbally mean in that case and find your weak spots and insult the hell out of you, but she told me that I was allowed to throw verbal punches back. This woman was pretty tough and funny. Even though the job doesn't really pay money, I would still like to work there just for the experiences.
The other place where I got to talk with the owner was at the bookstore I have wanted to work at since they opened, McNally Robinson. Things were going so awesome. I told her that I used to work at the Strand and she joked that I had that Strand worker look. And we talked about whether there is such a thing. I think most people caricature Strand workers as quarky, hip looking people, so I am hoping that that is what it was and I will take that as a compliment. But when I think of a Strand look, I think dirty - I think of mildly loserish people who look a little grimy, which most definitely am, but I just hope that her notion of Strand look is the former for vanity reasons. And yes, things were going so awesome with her, and looking at my resume, she kept exclaiming excellent, excellent, excellent. But of course, I would somehow fumble this ball, at the place I really wanted to work and when the owner seemed to really like me - it just required basically keeping quiet until I could make it out the door.
But no, she asked about the union at the Strand in a sympathetic way, and I went into pro-union, anti-capitalist mode, telling her how part of the reason I left the Strand was because I was really crushed with the results of contract renegotiations, how they fucked us over on health care. And really, there is so much bottled there with regards to unions and specifically the Strand's and it came out. She responded, I think a little worried, saying that she was pro-union but how she didn't know what she would do with a union at her store since it was so small. And I wasn't advocating unionizing her store, but I think she saw a potential liability right there and risk of it and our conversation came to a screeching halt with her saying, "Have a good day." And maybe she will call me back, but I am pretty doubtful. As soon as I rounded the corner, I hit my head, jumped up and down and asked myself what the fuck was wrong with myself, obviously a store owner with business interests is not going to be thrilled about unions. What was I thinking? So hopefully, the porn store will hire me at least.
I don't even know how to explain what is going on with me lately, this energy - it is not taking verbal shapes and so I can't really explain it here or even write well here anymore because I am feeling life in a way that seems really familiar and un - when I hear an old song and get excited about it in a way that reminds me of past times and how I used to have a certain high energy, and specifically, Echo and the Bunnymen's "The Killing Moon." That song makes me so nervous about the future and my present attempts to influence it, and really I am so scared of dying lately, and being alone and the absense of eternity - and thinking more and more that the only way to solve this loneliness is with another person and really so much is going on lately and I might try to talk about it more except I know I am not doing such a hot job of it, and anyways, Solomon and Ben Haber and apparently some other NC kids are going to be at Metropolitan and so I have to go and sing some motherfucking karaoke before I die. Do you think they have Depeche Mode? I mean something other than "Personal Jesus"?