Sunday, July 10, 2005

high of 92 i heard

Of course, it would have happened, because it is always when you are talking about how this thing never happens to you, that God has to teach you not to talk in maxims, and that thing that you said never happens to you will happen to you right after you finish the utterance. Ethan and I were hanging out at guess where? We were hanging out at the Metropolitan (shocking, right?) and talking about boys, about the pursuit of them, and I had mentioned how I am never pursued, always the pursuer, except of course in the case of old men who will pursue anyone because they've got nothing to lose, there is already that expectation of a no, and so they can only get good news or the news they were already anticipating, never bad news.

But yes, at some point, my friends were in the bathroom and so I was left alone and this boy, Ross, came up to me and I chatted with him about something of little note for a couple minutes, but it was enough to make an impression, or to give him the impression that I might like him. I am not sure, but last night, when he was following me everywhere in really dogged persistence, I saw myself and some of my own behavior patterns amplified for me - that this, my sometimes similar pursuit of boys, is not attractive, that so much depends upon playing it cool, not showing all your cards. This boy was insane. I purposefully and very clearly would leave a conversation with him and walk across the bar to talk to someone else, anyone else, and soon he would be right there. I did this a couple times before finally running to the bathroom to escape him and when I came out of the bathroom, he was right there waiting at the door. I tried talking closely to Ethan so that he couldn't be there, but Ross sort of threw himself in front of Ethan and blocked me from talking to Ethan.

It was pretty comical, and would have been even more so if it had not been happening to me. I started talking to this boy, David, pretending he was my boyfriend - that did not dissuade this boy. Then finally, I ran to Daniel to complain, but there Ross was right away again. Daniel became my new boyfriend and we had our arms around each other and Daniel told Ross that I was with him and he would still would not go away. I just stayed there close to Daniel, right against him, no way for Ross to come in between. I had to swipe his arms off of me and finally at some point he gave up and went and sat on a bench. Shortly after, I decided it would be a good idea to leave while I had seperated myself from him. And I left with the people who rescued me, Daniel, David, and Ethan - and of course, Ross came out after me and I told him good night, hugged him and then left so annoyed at someone who made themselves so transparent.

So yes, a taste of my own medicine in concentrated form, perhaps. And that was the most painful part perhaps of his antics, not just their obnoxiousness, but how they were this distorted reflection of my own behavior. I had to ask myself and Daniel, if I was this bad also? I've never followed someone around the bar, but I have been as equally excited to see crushes and run up to them and terrify them sometimes, especially that Charlie boy. This was a good lesson in how not to behave, in how that type of behavior is received (not kindly), and learning from this lesson, I am going to work on playing it cool as best I can from now on.

I don't understand myself sometimes and why some things I have no reservations about, will yell obscenities when so moved, and in other times, perhaps even in more appropriate times, last night with that boy, for instance, I couldn't just be aggressive enough to say, "Get the fuck away from me." But after leaving the bar and walking home, a car of full of potentially tough guys stopped at a light called Ethan, David, and I fags, and here are people that could actually kick my ass and greater in number than I, but I asked them if they wanted to suck my dick, and thankfully they did not get out of the car and kick my homo ass and they didn't really say anything in response either. When people call you a fag, that don't really expect a response. It is a shaming technique for failing to meet certain codes of masculinity and when you aggressivley accept your homoness and tell them to suck your dick, it silences the party that meant to silence with their remarks. It's also pretty awesome when it actually works and you don't get the shit kicked out of you.

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