Saturday, July 23, 2005

Today, so far, has been one of the most lovely days in recent memory, and like most relaxing days where you sigh with content over and over again, it is because I haven't really done anything. Not that I have been doing much at all lately. You know, since I am unemployed, you might think everyday is like this. It is not. Today, the fans are off in our house and that says everything that needs to be said if you live in New York and don't have air conditioning. The last week fans have been on high and been doing nothing. I lied out on my roof this afternoon, half covered in the shade and my legs stretched out past the shadows, my feet, toes soaking up the sunshine. The sky was an awesome blue, is still an awesome blue - the really deep kind that make you think to those times when you've been out on boats and surrounded by the blue of the water and the blue of the sky and really feeling what it means to be on a planet with a gigantic solar system out there beyond the sun drenched blue of a cloudless sky.

I laid out there on my roof for hours, reading and not reading, and the shadows got longer, covered even my legs. The content I felt with the world for those hours is something that I have not felt in the longest time, lately being stressed out about an indeterminate future. Content almost seems too weak a word to describe the exuberance I felt lying in the sun, in the warmth of a midsummer day watching clouds go by slowly. Fuck! That is how fucking amazing it is and how it was and how it really always is, but sometimes there are just these other things that prevent me from realizing this, from seeing this - and I need to demolish those things, smash into the fucking ground if they ever prevent me from realizing anything even close to the happiness I felt this afternoon.

And yes and no - I am not sure - I don't believe that it is because I did sex work last night and now have at least some money, still far short of rent, but some money nonetheless, that I might also be feeling this happiness. I don't like that I might be unable to divorce my financial situation from my stress level and obviously as a result, from my happiness. But today, really, this sky and lounging under it could have probably made any troubles seem irrelevant. I really love New York, but I also think that I might be happier some place else, you know, some place with big skies.

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