Friday, July 1, 2005

against my window

Even though not one, not two, but three people were supposed to meet me at that Deitch party last night, none of them had even left for it by the time I had had enough of it, the party, and decided to leave. I got there and a block away could already see tons of kids hanging out in the street out front, as I got closer I saw cop cars out front, the cops arguing with the organizers and the neighbors who were very upset about all the noise. And it was so much noise.

I went inside, it was pitch black except for a giant screen with strobe like visuals. They weren't serving beer anymore because of the cops. It was so hot. And yeah, the music, the loud noise rock was loud beyond the point of even rocking out party type. It was just headache inducing. And after about twenty minutes of this, I decided it was probably going to get shut down and headed home to eat a burrito. This morning, reading Momus's diary, I learned that it was shut down pretty fast.

I ended up getting stoned at Wyatt's house and then going to Metropolitan where, unlike most times when I am stoned, I really wanted to talk a lot, was having so much fun trying to verbalize thoughts. I talked to Paul and his really cute friend, Josh, who I thought about so much hanging out with them, trying to get at the root of what my desire for him was founded on, and if it was not just how he exemplified certain standards of masculinity. I might talk about him more later in the day given a cup of coffee. Everyone left and weirdly, as I was sitting out back, Kevin came up to talk to me. I asked him about the jack off photos and how he had found them. He told me that a friend sent him the link to see another boy they knew on the site and he came across mine. So now I can breathe out knowing that those boys do not read my diary. My knee touched Kevin's leg as I was talking to him. I doubt he even noticed but just that contact planted the thought in my mind of more contact with him, desiring this boy who is a pretty big asshole to me most of the time. But then he went back inside, telling me I should come talk to him and Matt. And my two second crush on Kevin was over, had faded back into caution, wondering what his motive was in talking to me.

It is supposed to pour again at some point today and so even though I wanted to go see some things in Chelsea - Momus's show, Bellwether, Daniel Reich - I am going to stay in because I can't stand the rain.

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