Thursday, March 21, 2002

bonnie has never seen it

some people like lullabies. some like fairy tales to put them to sleep. others, hot sex. and while i would like hot sex to put me to sleep - it's just not happening these days (and to make myself seem real pathatic - these years i should say, it has been over a year now!) okay, the point of this is that i like watching the shining to put me to sleep. since i have come home from school, i have watched the movie at least ten times late at night and fell asleep half way through, cozying up to the creepy slow shots of the overlook hotel.

"you've had your whole fucking life to think things over, what's a few more minutes going to do you know?"

jack nicholson is quite possibly the coolest guy ever. sexy even.

it rained today. and the day before. and the day before that. and the day before that. it has been a gray week. i was running so behind for work today. on my way to the metro, driving down fort hunt road, i let out a ren scream of mad hysteria when i saw the squirrel when it was too late. it was in the middle of the road, still alive and maybe even rescuable. it looked so panicked and was full of motion yet static because it was stuck to the road where it was hit. and then i ran over it, and i kept screaming, fearing my own death in that squirrels, realzing the fragility of it all, and ahh!! i screamed and screamed. i got to the metro and there was no parking and i got stuck in the garage, unable to turn around, i let out another ren sceam and rammed my car into the temporary wall that was blocking me in until i was free. i did not have time to circle the lot forever, and i was already so so behind, so fuck it, i'll just drive to work.

work was so fun today until tonight, this customer said something like, "hey it's really hard when someone is begging for money right outside the door. i mean, i am asked eighty times a day for money, and i give some away, but it's really hard when they're right in front of your store..." and on and on, and i wanted to punch this white lady for suggesting that i should tell this homeless woman who had been standing in front of the store all night to scram. and whitman said something about "what howls restrained by decorum" - and god, how true, i wanted to scream at this woman for being such an asshole but needing my job, meekly said, "it's city property, you can't really do anything about it." and she told me that i could. and how sad, but she was right. there are laws that prevent homeless people from standing on the street. silly white women appearantly have more right to be on the street than these homeless people. and gary usually tells panhandlers to leave in front of his store, but he was gone for the day, and i was not about to. i then let out my aggresion by telling the young guy after her about it, and he was even more pissed than me. and we talked about that evil woman and he said mockinlgy that they [the homeless] shouldn't even be allowed to breath. i was just so hopping mad about this woman, and feeling my own complicity in ignoring the homeless population (so yes, to make myself feel better and rid myself of some of my guilt), i went outside and gave her some of my asian pears that were not sellable and that i had put in a bag with bad produce that i was going to bring home and eat. she seemd so happy that i wasn't coming out to ask to go stand someplace else and was actually giving her food. and i immeaditly felt better. homeless people serve well as feel better about yourself machines. insert food or money and you instantly feel like a good, benevolant person. like mother fucking teresa.

and then i watched the shining and exhausted from work, fell asleep about halfway through it and woke up during the screaming when jack sees the crumbling naked woman in the bathroom. and now, jack is chasing his family with an axe. and my mom commented on how she thinks its unhealthy to watch this movie so often - i guess thinking that i might be a serial killer. and maybe mom. maybe. anything i set my mind to, right?

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