No, it is not just you. It never is. We sure as hell did have a moment. Let us be aware that we are having a moment every fucking single moment of our lives. And yeah, that's a well duh sort of thing to say, but I like saying well duh sorts of things.
Who do you think will marry Rachel?
Well, I hope she will marry Ross because he's such a cute guy, but I feel like she may end up marrying Joey just because the world is like that. Or, at least in situational comedies they have a habit of being predictable in their unpredictableness.
Do you know what the bases are, when you are smooching someone?
I honestly have no fucking clue.
What was your favorite album when you were in ninth grade?
Under the Table and Dreaming, which I still love no matter how much of a dork it makes me seem to like Dave Matthews.
Do you wear your seatbelt?
All the time.
Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?
Why hell, I try to do that every time the moonlight is pale.
When was the first time you looked at porn?
It was probably third or fourth grade when I started to hang out at Bobby Wozniak's house, whose mom for some reason subscribed him to all these porn magazines.
How many people of color do you typically see at bowling alleys?
Typically, I don't go to bowling alleys.
What is your favorite song lyric?
Oh, now this one's a tough one. There are so so many and to choose just one seems to involve a little more effort than I am willing to commit to right now. So, here a few of them: I remember back when we started, my kisses used to turn you inside out -Bruce Springsteen
Hold on to sixteen as long as you can, changes come around real soon, make us woman and man -John Mellencamp
I want my old friends, I want my old mind, I want my old life, fuck this time and place-Ani Difranco
If revolution had a movie, I'd be theme music - my music, you either fight, fuck, or dream to it - Common
People talk about hip-hop like it's some giant livin in the hillside comin down to visit the townspeople, we are hip-hop - me, you, everybody, we are hip-hop, so hip-hop is goin where we goin, so the next time you ask yourself where hip-hop is goin, ask yourself.. where am I goin? How am I doin? -Mos Def
Cause those are your arms and that is your heart and no, no, they can't tear you apart -Le Tigre
Okay, I am real bad with choosing one of anything. I stopped for no good reason, just because I thought that my list was already getting a bit out of control since I was supposed to list "my favorite." I'm real bad with "favorites" questions. And so, let's just ask two more to make things easy for me.
What are your favorite pizza toppings?
Onions and olives.
Favorite day of the week?
Why are you so boy-crazy?
I think it’s because I’ve never been in a relationship, and so I can mytholigize it [having a boyfriend, that is] into this thing that would seem to hold the key to my happiness. Of course, it probably wouldn’t, but you know, who cares, because it’s the yearning for something that is also fun. Even if I never ever touch a boy again, I still can find excitement in the wanting of one. And besides all this crap, there’s the fact that it has been far far too long since I have gotten some action. We are talking over a year now. And so, go fuck yourself with your why are you so boy-crazy questions. Why the fuck do you think?
What are you insecure about?
Talking to gay boys. Talking in general - I am very aware of my high, shrill voice, and am hesitant about talking out loud to people I don’t know. My acne. Talking to people about my dad. My manliness, or perhaps more accurately, my absence thereof – as a fag, I sometimes squirm when someone refers to me as effeminate.
What do you want to be when you grow-up?
I don’t really know, but I sort of hate working, so something that involves little interaction with other people and even less manual labor.
If you could be doing anything you wanted right now, what would it be?
Swimming in some body of water. Preferably, a warm one with big waves.
How do you envision yourself in middle-age?
Sadly, I predict, a lonely spinster, living by myself, reading too much, trying to find love and companionship in pet dogs and in sad attempts to engage cashiers in conversation at grocery stores.
What attracts you to a person?
A smile that seems like it is breaking free from a restrained person. A smile that can't be contained.
Do you know how to change a tire?
Blondes or brunettes?
It’s all about the brown hair. Jimmy Fallon. Marky Mark. Brown is beautiful.
What do you think about when you masturbate?
I think about people I know or have known, maybe even you, boys mainly, having sex, or treating me like shit.
When were you born?
June 12, 1981. Year of the cock. And a Gemini.
Do you believe in horoscopes?
I can say no, but the fact is I do read them often, and so I’ll be honest and say yes.
What do you want?
Hot sex. Eternal life. Enough money to not have to work. Knowledge of everything, good posture, and a huge cock.
What do you tell people you want?
What’s a secret about yourself that you don’t tell anyone?
Well if I told you, then it wouldn’t be a secret, now would it?
If you were selected as Miss America, what would you do to help create world peace?
Give the world a coke and teach everyone to sing in perfect harmony.
What advice do you have for the youth?
Love it. Every fucking single moment. We did have them. We are having them. And we will have them forever, until our bodies decompose back into Earth, and until then, fucking dance the night away. Light fires all over town. Rip leaves from tree branches that are within arms reach. Touch everything within arms reach. Touch everything that’s not.