Sunday, April 10, 2005

an email just sent to peter that says anything i would said here


I just tried sending you a friendster message that I don't think sent, and should perhaps allay my fears and insecurity, and lead me to believe that it is Friendster that is acting up, but really, I am pretty sure that that is not the case, that in fact Matt has deleted my testimonial that I wrote for him a couple months ago. I really think I just need to delete my Frienster account because when slights like this happen they cause me way too much insecurity and fill me with too much self-loathing. If I didn't have a Friendster account, a score of boys would actually probably think I was not a stalker and I might have had chances with them. Might have.

But this, coming so shortly after I slept with him seems so rude, so petty, such a way of letting me know that he does not like me, and does not even want me on his testimonial page, let alone in his bed. Sometimes Friendster messes up testimonials and doesn't show them all, which I am hoping is the case, but really, I don't think it is because I see ones written after and before but not this one.

Why delete my testimonial - why not also unfriendster me? Peter, this is so lame that this distresses me so much and that I know I am probably going to be checking his profile obsessively hoping it magically reappears and that all this insecurity was unnecessary. This would bother me if it was anyone, but this is bothering me so much because, as is not really a secret to you, I really like Matt, almost to the point of idolatry and this definitely stings. I keep meeting cute, nice boys but I am not interested in them because they are aren't somehow sinister. Peter, the people that do it for me lately are perverts, snobs, and drunks. Matt was all three and that is what I want, someone that contains all that.

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. The weather here in NY is awesome lately, lovely cool spring days. I went to the Anthony Goicolea opening last night and saw him, and he wasn't nearly as cute as I had hoped. He was too cute - that was the problem, big toothy smile, well-defined cheekbones, and pretty people make me retch. He looked like Hillary Swank. I watched Part 1 of Angels in America last night. I am going to try to watch Part 2 today. There was something else I wanted to tell you but I don't remember what it was. I'll write or call when/if I do.


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