Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Who wasn't in this dream? That isn't as important as who was, even if that was - who it is I remember from the dream, the person that left me waking up feeling lonely. Longing for someone first thing in the morning alone in your bed is no way to wake up. It was a completely non-sexual dream, perhaps a completely non-sexual longing that I woke up with up, but for that reason, all the more intense, the more pointed the longing.

It was at a mall, some sort of store I was in, and I saw him and he had this really cute haircut that involved nice sideburns. I asked him who had cut his hair because obviously it was a friend, even in the dream I stuck to these standards, knowing that this is the type of person that doesn't pay to get haircuts. And he told me that Niki's brother cut his hair. I think I wanted to touch the edges of his hair, to feel the nicely trimmed edges. I didn't and soon after I was awake.

This morning, I finished reading this Lionel Trilling essay about Lolita and everything struck me as meaningful. I want to blame this dream and my feelings this morning, my desire for some sort of exciting love on Anais Nin's Henry and June, which I ended up rereading yesterday afternoon because I was bored and it is funny, awesome when you read things and they make you long for a similar feeling. I want to be Henry Miller. I want to be Anais Nin. I want to feel this passion. I feel it in the longing, in the reading of these texts.

This will suggest how far the modern ideal of love if from passion-love. The literal meaning of "passion" will indicate the distance. Nowadays we use the word chiefly to mean an intense feeling, forgetting the old distinction between a passion and an emotion, the former being an emotion before which we are helpless, which we have to suffer, in whose grip we are passive. The passion-lover was a sick man, a patient. (366)

I was reading this of Trilling's and sighing, thinking yes, yes, yes - loving how you can read things, watch movies, hear songs in a day, in a couple of them and they all seem connected, seem to be pointing you somewhere, like a really good horoscope, leading you to think things are forecasting events that might happen, and if not, that should happen

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