Wednesday, March 31, 2004

I have been dumped. I finally got to talk to Matt today, it went something like this:

C: I haven't heard from you in a few days, what's up?
M: Um, [pause] we have a situation.
C: Um, what's the situation?
M: Do you remember what you did to me?
C: What, are you talking about Saturday when I called you and told you about making out with the dog?
M: Uh yeah! That is what I am talking about. Charlie, that really disturbed me-
C: I'm sorry-
M: Don't be sorry, I am just, I'm just really disturbed and find you unattractive now, I just - that really turned me off and I can't say I find you attractive right now.
C: Um
C: Okay, so what does this mean? Am we not going to talk anymore?
M: No, no, no, I mean, yeah, I am sure we will see each other around, and I guess we'll talk then.
M: Yeah, but I really don't have time to talk right now, I have to go meet Kevin for dinner.
C: Bye?

My body felt this break-up when I was reading Wojnarowicz talk about carressing his lover's bodies. I got butterflies in my stomach just reading this stuff, thinking back to time spent curled up next to Matt's body, running my fingers along his spine. That is when I feel this. I also feel it listening to song #2 on the Destroyer album Bonnie mailed me. For this reason, I have been listening to this song on repeat. These is something heartbreakingly beautiful about memories of bodies that you no longer have access to. That is why I read these sad things and listen to these sad things, and think of moments in bed together, because it is a pain, a pang that is laced with the slightest bit of pleasure at the recollection of these things. I am glad for the experiences and equally glad for the memories of them.

I am just sad that it had to end so abruptly. Things have a habit of doing that and I am trying to take as much from this experience as possible and to not under any conditions get bitter about the situation. In the time spent with him, I learned that I do possess these capacities, an ability to have feelings of a certain type towards others, a generousity of spirit (I don't want to say love, but that type of feeling, a warmness towards others). I have become receptive towards touch. I am beyond grateful for these things. It depresses me however that it ended for such a silly reason, and ended with such a kind person who lived so close. But I am learning so many things, this is life, my friends, and I am doing the best I can, trying to learn, trying to be honest, and to love without restraint, and some days, I even think that I am successful. Oddly enough, today is one of these.

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