i am large

On mornings after, when I find myself listening to soft folkie music, I am not sure which it is, if I am too tired, too hungover to listen to anything but the most mellow of music, or if instead, the reason I now am listening to Blue is that I am in denial, am trying to whitewash my drunken persona that I recall in fits of embarrasment, painful scenes briefly spotlighted as I go about the task of pouring myself cereal, that there I am admitting my crush on Josh to Josh in front of a busstop, in front of other people - but yes, that the listening to folk music on these days after is a way of saying that that is not me, that I can also sit here and read and drink coffee and listen to Joni Mitchell.

And I am so bad at properly evaluating my behavior because toward the end of the night, I got insanely stoned and saw everything as more embarrasing. I smoked way too much pot, which sometimes I do because as you may know, I have no self control, do not know what this word moderation is and ten minutes after smoking, the amount that I had smoked hit me and I could barely stand up without thinking about it for five minutes beforehand, about how I would place my feet and that I could will myself to stand up from the couch. I mean, not that I was not already way too drunk before adding to that way too stoned, so it is probably not surprising how incredibly dizzy I was. Ethan and I left the loft and walked toward home and only when we were maybe two blocks away, I totally could not remember where I had just come from and could not figure out where I was going and didn't recoginze the streets at all and was so terribly confused and giggled so much because I didn't want Ethan to know that I had no clue even what neighborhood we were in - Manhattan, Brooklyn? - but we got on the subway back to my house and I really do not think I have ever been so stoned in my entire life and riding the subway that wasted is surely an experience, thought to Willy Wonka, the old one when they are in that boat, quickly passing all those bright lights on the side of the tunnel, that was me last night, I was in that boat watching all the lights on the side of the tunnel passing by quickly, making it seem we were moving as astronaut speeds.

I got myself a ham and cheese sandwich, and ate it, and then finally got to lie down and no longer had to worry about falling over each time I stood up or sat down, and in bed, unable to fall asleep was when my mind, of course, unable to let me go to sleep with simple visions of couting sheep, instead recounted the night and how I behaved, that it started fine at Stay Gold with Jamie and Adele, and meeting up with Ben, Sasha, Christy, and then Ethan there. That I looked at molds of breasts, and drank a few Stone IPA beers and then we all came back to my house and I drank some more and smoked an insane amount of nasty Top cigarettes, two dollars for a pack of the stuff, and chatted with these nice people and then made our way to Graham Lounge where it was a gay hip hop night called "(Not) Straight Outta Compton," being thrown by Matt and Kevin and then there was a Sparks and a rum and coke, and somehow those two pushed me from drunk to OOC, maybe it was the music also. I don't know. I do remember that I made out with Adrian because I thought it would be funny. That one Josh, I started talking to about my love of him for some reason, fueled on by this insane urge to talk by the Sparks maybe. Paul told me I was so drunk quite a few times, him being there to hear me talk to his friend Josh, and him also being there for me to try to grind with against the busstop. And then I managed to scare off another Josh also, another one I had a crush on. I danced a lot and do not think if pressed I could name one of the songs I danced to.

And really, I am okay with these things, I don't think I have to reconcile these things, that I can listen to this folk music and also get drunk and throw myself at boys, that I like to inhabit every space and I think to lines WW said about containing mulitudes, saying Very well then, to the question about contradictions. Very well then.