Sunday, April 2, 2006

This morning I took some Cod Liver Oil pills because I am out of multivitamins and they were there and why not, although after I took them, I started to worry about whether or not they could go bad. I bought them over a year ago for some reason or other, had probably read in some article somewhere about the benefits of cod liver oil, and took them for a few days before I started worrying about taking an excess of A and D in since I was already taking multivitmains and so stopped, and since that time they have been sitting on this bookshelf in my kitchen underneath the window, not in a cool, dark place at all, and basically I am worried that they have gone bad and that nastiness is now swirming through my body and shortly I will collapse in pain. This, of course, probably will not happen.

Yesterday, I read this poem, "The Thing Was Moving" by Charles Olson and it was really good and totally sent me spiraling back in time recalling my childhood and playing around construction sites also, playing in the woods and finding adventure in suburban spaces that now, imagination dulled by age, which I guess really means not that age itself means anything, but that the whole of those experiences I have had since then, that point a decade, nearly two ago, and that those added up, that, aging, prevents this ability to play.

I cannot get over how amazing spring is. Outside this morning, I just wanted to lie down on the sidewalk and roll around in sunshine. I am really happy as of late, and I think my social isolation has a lot to do with that. Last night, I was really tempted to go out to the gay hip hop night at Alligator because I had not danced in a really long time and because there would have been people that I would have liked to have seen. But there also would have been people that I would have liked to have seen in different ways, crushes that sort of make me insane, and yes, I did maybe think around midnight last night of a couple boys who I would have really liked to seen and imagined fun that I was missing and this was the first time I have done that, cared that I was not at some place, some bar, where I imagined fun to be happening, felt like I was missing out. Lately, I haven't give a second thought to going out, that it doesn't offer me what I want. It does on some level - social interaction, dancing, drinking - all things I do love - but more often than not, the experience leaves me unsatisfied in vague ways, and I have removed that from my life and feel so much better. If you don't see crushes, don't talk to them, you can't feel rejected. I feel so much better, so much happier than I have in the longest time, despite not having a job and barely having any money because I have got good music blaring and the sun shining out my window, and maybe, yeah, it is all due to Spring, this change in mood, but I really do believe it is just one factor. My roommate's watching tv, and this, not that I needed it, gives me a brilliant excuse to go out on the roof and read more poetry, bring headphones, water, phone, and I am going to be underneath this bright sun on this excellent, excellent day, and fuck fuck fuck, it might be mainly because of the change in weather. I am a Florida boy, after all.

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