Sunday, June 30, 2002

America, your fields are green, and so am I

It was very difficult to pick a mood for this entry. None of those moods really seemed appropriate for how I have been feeling today. I woke up at first, feeling ish from drinking so much the night before, but that ishy feeling transformed into a serene, drained feeling where everything seemed beautiful and my eyes watered four times today because I almost cried for no reason at all. I wasn't sad or upset or laughing hard. I was just driving in Bonnie's car around town, looking at the sky, listening to Smashing Pumpkins, getting goosebumps all over from the air conditioning, and my eyes kept watering throughout the day. It was that kind of day - just one of those very emotionally intense days - I honestly felt like I was tripping so many times today. I wanted to drive forever in Bonnie's car, things felt so good in there, the sky was mine, America was also, and Wisconsin was the most beautiful place on Earth. I thought about Ginsburg's question, the one that makes me quiver somewhere deep inside each time I hear it, I shouted from the saftey of Bonnie's car today: America, when will you be angelic?

And, I realized that the question looked at things the wrong way, that the question should be: America, why do I not realize how fucking angelic you are each day, each moment - when, America, will I be angelic enough to realize that you are? The sky was something divine, and so was the Beltline I was driving on with mobile people, cars that could probably do 120 if they weren't so fucking in love with driving, with being here on this road, with billboards, and green land, and discount stores, and each other. And I shouted my own America lines, yelling them with such conviction that I got goosebumps and my eyes watered yet again.

So when I got home and got a call from Eric seeing if I still wanted to go with him tonight, I manically told him vague details about why I couldn't: that I had a found a photo of some random woman at the thrift store, and that I was having such a good day, and that I had so much to do, so much, and no, I could not go watch fireworks. Life was calling me to do something else besides sit with a clique of cute gay boys and 300,000 other people watching pyrotechnics in celebration of this land, this country, these streets that I want to spread my seed all over. Eric told me that I should come to the Cardinal Bar later tonight, that him and Justin were going to be there. And yes, Justin did sound appealing, and I was even considering going, but things did not work out so well. But, we'll get to that later.

I got back in the car, listened to the Smashing Pumpkins again, especially to "Today." Over and over. Singing along with Billy, realizing how beautiful and happy a song that this is, how it is my song, our song, and really, Bonnie made some comment when I said how "good" an album this is, saying that she didn't know if she'd use "good" to describe it. But fuck you, and your pretentious musical inclinations that you think will make you a hipster, go on and sing along to Belle and Sebastin, Wilco, the White Stripes and whoever else, just as long as masses of people don't like it, especially masses of American youth, because we all know about them. But we don't, or you don't and I want to. The lyrics to "Today" are so wonderful:
Today is the greatest
Day I've ever known
Can't wait for tomorrow
I might not have that long
I'll tear my heart out
Before I get out
And then at the end, good ol' Billy lets out a stirring lament, a call to our senses, imploring us to see how wonderful today is, repeating, yelling, trying his damnedest to liberate us, "I want to turn you on." And Billy, you did. You needn't worry - today I saw the magic of todays, of getting into staring matches with setting suns, stars, fucking stars, and winning, beating these cosmic objects in staring matches and loving it, the redness that signals its defeat across the horizon again making my eyes water, and yes goosebumps again.

My nerve endings are so sensitive today, I really feel that it may be that I am detoxing, after being drizzityunk every night for the past month - that is the only thing I can think of. Because as soon as the sun had set, and Bonnie had left for the windy city with her fellow PIRGers, I put on some lounge music, and lied down feeling so weird and trippy on the couch, getting a blanket because I was so cold, my exposed skin was getting so many goosebumps even though I was sweating because it's the dog days of summer and we are without air conditioning. I then faded into a weird delirious half-sleep where for five minutes I thought I was chewing gum, but then realized I did not have any gum in my mouth. These cannot be very good signals for my mental health, but hopefully these are freak ocurrences and not symptoms of some bigger condition. I then slept for about two hours on our couch, and even after I woke up, I did not have the strength to sit up, I kept on leaning over until I was lying down sideways. It was a very weird day, and really I don't know what any of it was provoked by. So yeah, that's why I did not meet Eric and hunk a hunk of burning love Justin at the Cardinal Bar. I just started feeling somewhat close to normal (and this goes without saying, but: whatever the hell that means) about an hour ago, and now I am wide awake. I have hand hole-punched seventy-five sheets of card stock paper that I am going to fashion into a journal with a blue astro turf cover made from stuff I bought today at Home Depot. And I feel fucking wonderful, and I wish that it was not 3:30 in the morning, so I could still go out, but yeah. Another exciting consumerist indulgence today: at the pay by the pound thrift store, I bought the Ungame for only twenty something cents. The ungame is such a cool game, it's a product of the 70's that you can occasionally find in thrift stores if you're lucky, where there's no winner, and the purpose of the game is to talk about your feelings. Some sample questions for your thinking pleasure:

What spiritual goal are you reaching for?
What four things are most important in your life?
Describe a happy family.
How would you define love?
If you could hang a motto or saying in every home in the world, what would it be?
How do you feel about growing old?
What do you think it's like after you die?
Share a time you had hurt feelings.

Doesn't this game sound so fun? I have always been so intrigued by the Ungame, and it has a real silly board, it's so great. There's five pieces here, and I am wide awake, but of course by myself, so in my little fantasy world, if I could have four other players here with me now, who would they be? (PS- lately, I really like asking myself silly fantasy questions like this) Bonnie, Rebecca, Justin, and my sister.

And now, I don't know what to do with myself. I really would like to go to bed, so I do not sleep until four in the afternoon tomorrow but I do not see myself falling asleep anytime soon, so maybe I'll read or something. Oh, I have a great idea, maybe I'll read a real boring book that I've meaning to get though, will have gotten a little further into it, and then will konk the fuck out. Oh yeah, where the hell is that copy of Ulysses?

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