Thursday, May 12, 2005

Yesterday, I watched A Hard Day's Night during the daytime because I hadn't watched it the night before. Whenever I watch movies during the daytime I never pay as much attention to them as I do at night. I will make coffee while the movie's playing, eat snacks, go to the bathroom and not pause it, check email, scan through the paper, all sorts of things - my body is a little too wound up to sit and concentrate on a movie during the daylight hours. And the fact that there was no plot to the movie really and it was just an excuse to play songs with a series of loosely connected skits between them made it that much easier, since I didn't really feel like I was missing much. George Harrison is so cute in those young days. I love the Beatles at this point in my life. There was a period of time when I didn't love them. There was a period of time when I was obviously stupid.

Yesterday, after watching the movie, I walked by Zack Heru, the insanely smiley guy that sings nothing but Beatles everyday in the pathway between the L and the 1,9. It was one of their songs about love, with the word love featured in the chorus, so basically any one of their songs, and it made me so happy. It is so pure, the sentiment, and I think that is why I used to not like them because I used to be more suspect of such things, but now, lately, I am sentimental in new ways and I fall for everyone and so I am getting a lot more out of this band than I ever have. I wish I had some of their albums besides that stupid "1" one.

I returned the video and got Swingers, hoping that Zach (not the Beatles guy) was still going to watch it with me. At ten, I started to play a game of Scrabble with Jamie and Cameron, pretty much giving up that he was going to call. Around ten-thirty though, my new phone started ringing and displayed Zach's name and I love that more than anything, getting a call from someone you like and how happy you are within the span of microseconds as soon as you see that name, that number on the caller ID. He had just got off work and had to work again early today, so we are going to watch it when I get back from Virginia.

And this trip to Virginia is stressing me out. I cannot wait to be back from it, because my leaving is also the deadline for payment of my rent, which is due by this Friday and which I am 150 short of. I am also supposed to pay my electric bill by this Friday, which is most likely not going to happen, and I owe Dara eighty for that. Plus I need 35 to buy a bus ticket to VA and back. So that leaves me today and tomorrow to make this money before I leave on Saturday morning. So basically I am supposed to come up with 250 in two days which is very possible, but also so stressful because it can't just be possible, it has to happen. I am going to meet with someone soon about doing a solo video for them tomorrow night that would pay about 200. If that happens that would basically erase all my stress, and I could conceivably try to find some work tonight, but I am going out to galleries with Wyatt and Niki and afterward, I will probably be too drunk. But I am trying to set up something now, so I can try to have some self-control and not get terribly blitzed. I can do this. I am Houdini, nothing without the tight bounds imposed on me. Without the tangible chains, I wouldn't be aware of the intangible ones. This is when I shine, when I also manage to throw crushes on boys into the equation, and break free from that locked safe underwater and dash to the surface, gasping for air.

That Scrabble game was so boring last night. Cameron took about ten minutes every turn and I was ready for bed by the end of our two hour game, but since I had rented the tape and it is one of my favorite movies of all time, I sat there alone on my couch watching this movie about a clueless man who wants love and to live well, but suffers the indignities of trying to find work, of his unsympathetic friends, and of the cruel world of people pursuing their own self-interests up until the end of the movie when he triumphs over all of them, finding love and a connection with another human being. I fell asleep before I got to the happy ending. I fell asleep during that scene when he was locking himself in his apartment, crying, not talking to his friends, and looking at old pictures because he realized what a loser he was after having just made multiple failed attempts to call a girl whose number he was so exctied to have gotten.

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