The first time I saw this movie, it was rented from a video store somewhere in Northern Virginia and I watched it either late in high school or early in college, sometime when I was at my mom's house, and this is why I surely did not enjoy it as much then, because watching a movie about gay hustlers around my mom probably had me too much on edge to actually enjoy it. Blame it on youth, too, my inability to totally appreciate this movie. Although this is the type of movie that I think youth would tend to overprivilege. See all those awful junkie movies that late teens tend to like, that I liked.
But this movie, despite Gus Van Sant's tendency to be boring even at points during this movie, is so good. Some of the scenes are so beautifully shot. All of the sex scenes are amazing with the actors holding themselves in these frozen poses and the bodies still obviously moving. That scene in the video arcade where all the porn cover boys talk to each other. That blowjob scene in the beginning of the film where a house crashes to the ground. And Keanu who is playing with River's nipples right now as Adele watches this and I rerewatch it. I understand the Keanu thing now. He is breathtaking in this movie and is so for all those reasons that are 2005. Everyone loves someone that isn't interested in them, and that is what Keanu's whole acting shtick is, this thick-headed aloof boy who seems oblivious to just about everything, and so surely oblivious to me, and for that reason, I want him to notice me, to like me. Ashton, look at me. Christopher, like me. Matt, talk to me past the hello. And yes, aloofness is 2005 and is no longer the quality that is going to attract me to another male. Save, of course, for my screen crush, Mr. Reeves in this movie.
Of course, this viewing of the movie is after I have done sex work and so find the depictions of sex work more interesting, can relate better to these portrayals of weirdo johns. Today, I went and saw a nonweirdo john, the regular. He called me right as I was putting on my jacket and about to head off to go do a jackoff video for some website. This regular always calls right at these moments, these moments where I need money really badly. And so, I went and saw him, canceled my appointment with the pornographer. His apartment was overheated and while standing up, getting head from him as he sat on the edge of his bed, I kept on wiping my forehead, pouring sweat, and I was not that into this, could think of nothing but how hot it was, how I was going to pass out if I had to stand on my feet any longer. I told him I needed to lie down and immediately felt better, again experienced the pleasures of my penis aroused, of another person's mouth around it in such a state. And in this position, I was able to get a rimjob also, which was pretty amazing, and I came shortly thereafter.
Getting dressed, he asked me if I wanted a ride home. I laughed and said if you are serious, sure. Because the L wasn't running and I love car rides. So I got a ride from the Upper West Side to Williamsburg and got to chat with this guy for a long time, him telling me amazing stories about New York in the pre-AIDS era. I love hearing these stories from people who have lived through all of this. He told me how there used to be so many sex clubs and how you could just pick someone up on the street and duck in somewhere, that now everything is all on the internet. He told me those were the happiest days of his life, those wild sex crazy days of his twenties when New York was a way sluttier place. And then he joked sadly that he survived because he is a cocksucker. Told me that he lost lots of friends and that he would have been dead too if he had engaged in ass fucking, but his fancy for sucking cock spared him.
He asked me if I was hungry and invited me to eat with him at Dumont and even though I was hungry and would really have liked to been treated to a nice meal, I told him I wasn't, because I am lame and was fearing shame. I was sure that eating at a popular place a couple blocks from my house with my sugar daddy, that doing so, I would be sure to run into people I knew, people I probably wouldn't want to run into. So I passed on the free nice dinner offer, got myself some Chinese food and some Coors Light, which is pretty much my idea of a really nice meal, pretty much heaven.
Oh, and in insane news, on Friday evening, I got a call from one of the numerous jobs I applied to. I did not get a call from one of the numerous ones I am overqualified to work at, shitty data entry jobs, shitty office jobs, shitty filing jobs. Instead, I got a call from a reach job, one that I am so underqualified to work at and so confused as to why they called me. It is to be a production assistant at this small press. The qualifications said: "Minimum of one year of experience in book publishing and knowledge of Excel, QuarkXPress, and InDesign are preferred." Um, we are going to do some creative fibbing during this interview because man, I want this job so bad. And these are "preferred" qualifications, not "necessary" ones. Things are going pretty good in my life lately. It's awesome. In some ways, I feel like I did when I first moved here. I am totally giddy about this city and about kicking its ass. Also, I have been listening to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs again, which was all I listened to when I first moved here.