Despite not going to bed til two last night, I somehow managed to shake my ass out of bed around five thirty and went in early this morning to work a shift that someone else had dropped. And sometimes when you are tired, that's when you are most sensitive. People cry easier and get bitcher with people when they are lacking sleep. And this morning, I stepped out of my building, rounded the corner to walk to the J and said something like Holy Shit Fuck God. Dawn was just breaking and it was oranges and pinks thrown left and right, fireworks bursting and really, for those of you that were up early this morning, lucky you, lucky us, because I have been up for a few dawns in New York and really, I think this is by far the most beautiful one I have yet to see. Everytime I see the dawn, I resolve to myself that I am going to experience more of them and I resolved that this morning to, but now, shit fuck no, I do not see myself holding to that resolution.
I was doing fine until about one pm and then my body was ready to crash. And I stayed awake with the Pixies turned up load for those remaining two hours, came home, and crashed in a major way. I was going to try to stay awake and do laundry and other things that need to get done so that that way, I would be on a normal scheudle and my sleep would have been so nice tonight and you know, no longer be wearing clothes that smell like sweat, ass, and feet. I laid in bed to think about doing laundry, took of my pants, you know, simply to get more comfortable so I could contemplate doing laundry, not mind you, so I could take a nap. I love how you lie to yourself when tired, like you are trying to fool somebody. Oh no, I am not going to sleep. I am just resting my eyes!
With the absence of pants and a tiredness that was bordering on sleep, I started to get a boner and I really wanted to masturbate, but even that I could not summon the energy to do. I was wishing there was some machine so I didn't have to move, that I didn't have to stroke with my hand, and that I would still be able to masturbate and come. Realized that this is what a blowjob is. Wanted one. And rubbed my penis against my sheets, and finally stroked myself off so that I could get it out of the way and get some sleep, because by this point, I was no longer lying to myself that I was taking a nap. I came and did not even want to wipe myself off, but did so, and then snap, I was out for a couple hours until my stomach woke me up.
I ordered a shitload of Mexican food because the thought of walking to the store seemed so onerous, and then there was another nap until about an hour ago, and now I am going to go to sleep soon and know it will not be nice, know that I will wake up in a fit at three like I always do when I slept too much during the daytime, and at three, there will be no episodes of Law and Order on the tv, waiting to entertain me and lull me back to sleep.