Tuesday, December 4, 2001

i heart brian hughes

spotlight graphics sucks big fat cock! dude, the erotica magazine that i've been working on all semester was supposed to come out on friday and this motherfucking renee has yet to even open the disk. i was ready to scream at her today, but i thought that might further delay the printing of the magazine. so, this means that i may not leave florida on sunday as i had planned if the magazine is not yet distributed and which means that i will not be able to leave until at least monday afternoon, which is no good at all since on tuesday i am supposed to be in arlington, va to work at borders at like noon. and if i have to call and cancel they are going to be pissed as fuck and possibly not hire me for winter help. aghhh! this is the thing that this is really pisssing me off right now.

the other thing that is pissing me off (however not enough to make me do anything about it) is my lethargy. dude, i don't do shit. my self-imposed schedule is out the window. i try to be a good student, and tell myself okay i am going to have one of my papers written by tuesday, the other one by thurday, and the other one by sunday night. lies lies and still more lies. i don't know why i even bother with schedules, i never end up following them.

okay, so i'm a little stressed about school and shit, and yes it definitly is preoccupying my thoughts, but as stated earlier i don't actually do my work, i just stress out about it and then decide to take a little nappy-poo because i don't feel like reading, and end up sleeping away the day. nappy time.

waking up to the sound of nikki screaming in my living room some story about wanting to shove a cigarrete down some cunt bitches mouth and out her fucking ass. hunger oh god, hunger. waking up made me acutely aware of how fucking hungry i was. my stomach gets so hungry as of late and i don't know why cause i eat all the fucking time. so anyways, i groggily call rico's and order myself some pizza.

drive there 20 or so minutes later, pick the shit up and hear the pizza boys (aka aryan youth) babbling about some fag cocksucker. the guys that work at rico's are so so scary -- they are huge people that i associate with notions of bradenton. they seem like the kind of people that say they are going to make heads roll. and i've occasionally heard the small, racist comment from them, they have close cropped haircuts, and so i affectionantly refer to them as aryan youth. it may have been hopefully my last encounter with them ever since i will soon be leaving sarasota.

so, i came home watched king of the hill with nikki and bonnie and motherfucking devoured that delicious greasy pizza -- let's not forget how hungy i was. sated, gorged, and then sick -- way too much grease trying to be processed at one time by my digestive system. dude, i still feel sick from eating all that pizza. i want to go drink like a gallon of listerine to wash that greasy feeling out of my stomach.

perhaps, it's time for the subject of boys. i am still without one. that is the subject today. why the fuck? there are tons of really ugly, obnoxious, dumb faggy boys with boyfreinds. what the fuck? am i more obnoxious, ugly, dumb and faggy than all these detestable boys? i don't even want a boyfriend, it'd be nice, i just want someone to make out with, and to sleep next to, and someone's lips to bite occasionally. is that so much to ask? are there no other boys out there who desire the same thing?

andrew's an asshole who has utterly rejected all my attempts at hooking up with him this year. which makes me feel even more like shit, since last year we had casual sex, and now he's like no, even though he's not getting action. which makes me have even more low self-esteem, and makes me all the more cautious about approaching him or other boys. and then there's this marky mark. oh this boy is so r-e-d h-o-t, and annie has told me that he likes boys. but, i feel like he is not all that comfortable and open about liking boys, and i am really shy about approaching boys that i really like. and so, i don't think i will get to make out with him anytime soon, maybe ever. dude, i've had a crush on this boy for a couple of months now.

yesterday he blew me off when i tried to talk to him, and i felt so rejected that i was conspiring evil things to do to mark. i decided i would stick a dead fish in his mailbox, and then taking things to the extreme like usual, i thought i'd pick up one of the numerous dead racoons along 41 and stuff and smash one of them into his box. luckily i went out with nikki and did shit otherwise i'd feel like such an asshole right now, but before we went out i did try calling his voicemail to change his password, which being real bad with technical shit could not figure out how to do.

see this is how evil i can get. i then talked to annie later yesterday about marky mark and she said that he was having a real shitty day, and that made me feel horrible about my plans to make his day shittier and resparked my crush on him. he's so nice, and cute, and awkward. maybe i'll go to this midnight breakfast thingy and hopefully see him. i really just love seeing my crushes. the visual sight of my crush is some slightly sexual thrill. and when i don't run into or see my crush for a long time, i feel dejected. is that weird and sick, and signs of a future voyeur?

i love seeing brian hughes. i get real excited about going to a class if he is going to be in it. just seeing him and hearing him talk in class fills me with this sense of urgent living, of shortened breaths, of oh my god he's so cute. i signed his guestbook today as his secret admirer, just to let him know how dreamy he is, but bonnie got me all worried after i signed it, and said that he definitely would know that it was me who had signed it, since it was the way that i talked. and, i hope he doesn't but also sort of hope he does -- i sort of want him to know i have a crush on him since i won't be embarrased about seeing him around since i won't be here next semester. oh dear god, brian huges is so cute -- he says "golly" amongst so many other cute things. i'm such a 13 year old girl reading tiger beat.

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