Tuesday, December 4, 2001

no sex till brooklyn

okay, the sad truth of the matter must be admitted, so that i will no longer be called boy crazy by people. i am suffering from major withdrawl. the last time i hooked up with a boy was with andrew in early februrary. this is now december folks, that is eleven some fucking months of not even getting to kiss anyone. and so, i am sexually frustrated to say the least. maybe this is why i am being called mean by just about all my friends. this situation is reaching the point of being really depressing. i highly doubt that i will get any action over winter break and so it may be early feb. before i might even have sex again, when i'm in ny. that's a whole year. am i really that pathetic?

okay, this little rant was inspired by my running into a little marky mark at this midnight breakfast shingding. so, maybe i was a little shy about approaching him but i haphazardly tried to talk to him, and he seemed so so disinterested and almost uncomfortable. why oh why am i so blind to reality? there was really a period of time when i believed that this was going to be a normal liking of a boy who might like me, and then that something might actually happen. i really did believe for a while that this was not a one sided crush. how we like to decieve ourselves though, right? i think though that maybe for a short while he may have liked me, but that window of opportunity has closed and the window is fucking bolted. he didn't used to be uncomfortable around me, and i think i made it pretty clear to him that i liked him (i told him that i called him to see if he wanted to see a movie but he wasn't home, and i said he should come with me to see another movie soon). he didn't seem uncomfortable then, but now whenever i am around him, i feel like some weird obsessive creepy i don't know what type weird guy. but, he's so cute.

and, i really feel like other people do not have nearly this much trouble in obtaining someone to smooch. why i am so socially awkward that i fail miserably at all attempts to ever hit on anyone. am i that scary? i need to take suave lessons or something from someone that's good at flirting with people like andrew. i used to watch him whenever he would hit on anyone, and he was very suave about it all. when i try to hit on someone, oh dear god, a train wreck is a prettier site. do you see yet my slight inferiority complex that i have with andrew ( if you don't see it yet, i definitly do have one, that stems from me being rejected by him so many times and then watching boys that i have huge crushes on go home with him) -- how can i (or anyone for that matter) be so utterly horrible at simply talking to someone that they like?

i just don't understand.

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