Sunday, December 9, 2001

the last goddamn wall

as i write this, i hear a spray painting noise outside my living room window. the little hiss sound and then the occasional metallic sound of shaking the stupid motherfucking can are making me feel even more like shit. i came home in the worst funk ever to see jesser (who is creepy as hell) and anne doing something in the driveway with spraypaint.

so, the reason i am so pissed to begin with: i go to the wall, hoping to have lots of fun hanging out with my friends on my last night here after i just finished writing that postcolonial lit paper.

and fucking goddamn i hate the sound of jesser's voice, it's this i so want to be barry white with a sexy deep voice but i'm just a stupid white boy with no life who lives in sarasota and have to bleach my hair so i can tell myself that i am hip. shut the fuck up, i hate your voice.

okay back to the story about the cause of this little funk,

what the fuck i hate the spray painting noise, it is so obnoxious, what the fuck is anne doing with spray paint in the driveway at four the fuck something o'clock in the goddamn morning, i so hope our neighbors call the cops on her and jesser's dumb asses

so i go to this motherfucking wall, hoping to just have good conversations with my friends on my last night

motherfuckers, okay i just got up to close the window and when i did i saw them spray painting graffiti on cardboard boxes stacked against our fence, and then jesser said some stupid ass thing, and oh god how i hate that boy and his motherfucking sexual predator voice

so, anyways i'm at the wall, and everyone keeps telling me to go talk to marky mark. i was planning on talking to him, but whenever anything becomes an imperative and everyone is urging me to do something, i just resist and refuse. i was getting so annoyed with nikki and bonnie, and i told both of them this, that i didn't want to hear them telling me to go fucking talk to mark, i just wanted to have a decent conversation with them both. but, both of them are motherfucking jackasses and kept on telling me how much i would be regretting it tomorrow if i didn't go to talk to him. motherfuck, i don't want to go talk to him, i just want to talk to you about shit, can you shut your fucking mouth and stop telling me what i need to do, and concern yourselves with what you need to do with your own pathatic lives.

okay, so i'm still mad as hell. and i'm not so much mad at myself for being too full of pride and also too much of a pussy to go talk to mark, nor am i so much mad at bonnie and nikki for being obnoxious assholes. but, rather i was more so sad because (and stemming from that my current state of anger) of the realization that i really have about 3 friends here at this school that i actually engage in conversation with. it was all very depressing, and even more depressing that i couldn't talk to any of the three. nikki and bonnie were driving me crazy with their talk of mark, and becky, the most wonderful girl ever who actually understood that i did not want to be pressured about stupid mark went to bed so early. and so i was stuck at this stupid wall, dancing even though i was so tired and just wanted to stand around all because i had no one to stand around and talk to. and then, bonnie still comes up to me, squealing why don't you go talk to him, why are you being so weird.

because i fucking want to be weird. why is it such a big deal if i am weird and am not super confident about approaching boys that i really like and especially boys that know i really like them and have given me this oh dear god look on far too many occasions for me to continue to set myself up for another one of those oh dear god looks.

and even though it would not have happened since i'm pretty sure he thought i was loud/scary/obnoxious/abrasive and even if he didn't think so before i am positive he must think so now after bonnie and nikki went up and talked to him, so that that way i could come talk to him since bonnie would be over there. i know in some of my previous posts i complained about how much i wanted some action. but maybe i do want something more. i really had no desire to hook up with mark since i was leaving in the morning. it is just not what i wanted. but of course, bonnie and nikki know best, and so they persisted with their obnoxiousness.

and that was the point at which i could take no more, i gazed around palm court, so wishing rebecca or some friend that would not be that obnoxious would just magically appear, and that i could just sit in the middle of palm court with her and talk about shit other than mark, and clap our hands and stomp our feet, and just be not obnoxious.

this is why i am sort of glad that i will be leaving tomorrow. i will get to hang out with old friends and have the opportunity to develop new friendships without people thinking i'm this loud, boy-crazy person, who needs to be told to go talk to that boy, why are you being so weird.

but, i'm also really sad, i really will miss living in this house and hanging out with my friends, irrespective of the ramblings i have wrote here tonight. this is a place with some really gorgeous people that i'm going to miss so much. i didn't realize this till tonight when i was hugging becky goodbye. yeah i know it's cheesy, but it made me somewhat sad.

and i still have yet to pack a motherfucking thing, i'm hungry as hell, i have to go to bed so i can wake up and make the long trek up to virginia. and anne and jesser are still being dickheads and spraypainting shit. if they don't quit shit in ten minutes when i'm ready to go to bed, there's going to be some of that loud abrasive yelling that i am unfortunantly identified with, going on.

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