i watched carson and company all motherfucking day even though there is so much shit that i want to do now that i am at home. there are so many exhibits that i want to see, so many friends i want to hang out with at ihop, and so many shows that i want go to. i didn’t stay home all day because i think carson’s dreamy or because i was lazy about doing any of these aforementioned things - no, i would have hopped at the opportunity to get out of the house. however, i have placed myself under house arrest until i finish these two papers that are due on friday (a faulkner paper and a language and politics one). and guess how much work i have done on both of these papers?
sadly, you guessed correctly. “sadly” because one, it is true and also because two, it means that your perceptions of me as a lazy motherfucker are all too accurate. i have yet to even think about either paper. papers schmapers. i have three more days.
but, yeah, today i was a bit of a tv junkie. i just got finished watching queer as folk. has anyone seen this motherfucking show? why in the hell is it so bad? is it really that bad, or is it just me thinking its bad because of all of my issues with representation of gays and this thing that we will call gay culture?
bob mizer, i motherfucking hate you. and you too bruce weber, even though you are just being derivative. it is all mizer’s fault that gay erotica is nothing but a glorification of whiteness. mizer and weber with your stupid white models, and their big silly grins, and their even bigger shoulders, and their being set amidst american nature – you two fags have conflated whiteness with americanness. and it’s these fucking images that every fag in america gets off to.
queer as folk has the same slightly racist, definitely elitist notion of male beauty that you two knuckleheads created. i am so embarrassed that i used to be obsessed with your photos bruce, (and photo buffs, feel free to stone me here), and even more so that you were my favorite “photographer” for so long. oh, all the foibles of being a closeted gay youth are all starting to come back.
i thought i had heard good things about queer as folk, but i cannot recall where, but let me tell you what – this show sucks big fat fucking dick, okay? it’s about a bunch of ripped, young white guys who are very much enmeshed in this gay culture that makes me cringe. and dude, i’m just going to say it right now, so that that way, you can keep your fucking analysis to your goddamn self: yes, i have issues with masculinity, big time. i’m very concerned sometimes about appearing too feminine, and yes, i also know that i do not do the best job of trying not to appear feminine. whatever.
these are the biggest fucking fags ever that are on this show. what the fuck? i have never worn a black lycra shirt in my goddamn life, and i would consider eating my own shit before i would ever consider wearing one. and then there are all these gay club scenes, with bjs being given left and right and bad gay house blaring. dude, who lives this life? not i. i do not like green eggs and ham, i do not like them, sam i am. i do not like the faggot life, i do not like it, gun i am.
i feel like jerry falwell or some such asshole whenever i go on my little tirade about how much i hate gay culture. falwell says degenerates. i’ll be a little more rational, and admit, i just do not understand. the whole gay culture thing seems so foreign to me. i watch queer as folk, and i’m like dude, what the hell is this?
but, then again, this is probably just me trying to assert some shred of masculinity. i began to think: am i part of the dominant gay culture? ahh, i am. it made me so sad. i’m gay, i said to myself, as if i had just fucking come to this realization.
my first year at nc, michael jones told me that i was flaming. from anyone i would have been upset by that comment but probably would not have remembered it nearly three years later. but from michael jones, oh boy. if mister jones, a pretty flaming boy called me flaming, then oh god, yes i must be part of this gaggy gay culture.
let’s see what other faggy apsects of my life are there? i sometimes really like pop music. i know all the words to just about every madonna song (but, i know all the words to just about any song, so does that negate the madonna thing? i don’t even like madonna, in fact i sort of hate her.) i do like to dance, though (but, i have never gone to a gay club, is that okay?). and i do get aroused by bruce weber photos. i know, i need to accept it: i’m a fag, quit trying to rationalize it. and if all that were not proof enough, i thought of whom my close friends were/are. they are all girls. all of my friends have always been girls. i’ve always had a circle of fag-hags that i was friends with. i don’t know why this is, i just have trouble connecting with most males, and i really have tried to cultivate male friendships to try to add some gender balance to my life, but it has never worked. i never can manage to establish a lasting friendship with a male.
okay, blah – i’m real embarrassed that i’ve babbled all this nonsense about “being gay”, and may end up deleting it.
basically, my original point though, was that i’m a lazy motherfucker who watched bad tv all motherfucking day.
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