Saturday, December 22, 2001

you want catharsis bitch? you fucking got it!

some people are really close with their siblings and consider them good friends. sometimes i envy these people. but, other times i really love the intense, often violent relationship me and my sister have.

my sister jamie came home from college last night and probably within an hour, we were engaged in a heated battle, shouting each other down over something petty, and threatening to beat the other's face in. we really love each other, and often we can go to the store like normal siblings and have fun, but oh how quickly things can change and oh how extreme that change will be. there is just some deep deep tension and frustration that lies between us, and the slightest thing can ruin the delicate balance that normally keeps our tension in check. when some slight remark is made or when someone fails to put something back in the fridge, oh boy, our ugly sides come out in full force as we trade punches, screaming for the world to hear how much we hate each other.

jamie and i are such rage-filled animals. it will honestly be mustard or something that one of us left on the counter. the guilty party will be sitting on the couch, watching tv, and consuming some food product with the said mustard as a condiment. then the other person will say, hey put this mustard away. in a minute, will be the conditioned response. and from there, it always somehow escalates to loud aggresive yelling and often hitting.

my sister is getting more and more tough, when we were little she used to be far more easier to boss around and would usually give in when i started shouting. now she is all about yelling even louder than me and hitting even harder. this morning, we were going to go to hecht's since they were still hiring winter help and apply. i woke up at noon to jamie telling me to get up, it's noon, why are you still asleep? i said fifteen more minutes. no, said my sister. except what she really said was NNOOOO!!!! (this is an instance where lowercase letters really do fail to accurately portray the situation. sometimes capital letters do have their benefits.)

but anyways, i said: yes, leave me alone, i am going back to sleep. jamie, the maniac kept yelling for me to get up. and then she picked up my alarm clock and starting banging it against my dresser, i guess to wake me up or something. i yelled at her to stop it. and of course, she starts banging it even more violently until my alarm clock breaks into a few pieces. [if this were fiction, this would be an instance of really blatant, bad symbolism, but whatever, it really happened.] at this point she left my room, probably very scared that i would retaliate with hard punches. her intent was also probably not to break my alarm clock, but she and i both get very aggressive with each other and always end up producing a result that was unintended. for example, over thanksgiving break, jamie was singing really loudly, which she always does, and it always pisses the fuck out of me. i get that reaction you get when you accidently scratch a really tight polyester fabric -- how you just recoil. my sister's singing just does that to me, it drives me fucking crazy. so, i yelled at her to stop, she starts singing louder, and i start throwing small things at her that are near me. i throw a big pen at her, and it lands in a way and in a spot that ends up giving her a bloody nose. i felt like shit and quit yelling, and sort of quietly escaped the situation so she wouldn't beat me down -- sort of like her reaction after she broke my alarm clock this morning.

well anyways, i was sort of glad she broke the alarm clock because it wasn't even really broken, i put it back together pretty easily later in the day, but it meant that she left me alone and i got to sleep sleep sleep for a good nother hour.

hecht's ending up not even happening because on our way there, my car broke down. luckily it happened right in front of texaco, and so i just steered my car into the gas station with its remaining power. we then walked home from the gas station together and had a really awesome conversation like normal, close siblings do. we both had the same anxiety about walking down this main road where we would have doubtless been passed by many people we knew, so we cut through a construction site and walked back home down small roads. this removed our anxiety and freed us to laugh, me to walk funny, her to sing, and us to have a nice sibling moment, free of yelling and punching at least until we got home.

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