Saturday, December 15, 2001

"when i was young, and we didn't care..."

feeling really good right now. listening to the cranberries, and not feeling guilty about how unhip it is, because i'm not around any new college people right now. since i have come home, i have refallen in love with all of the music i listened to in high school. the radio, when it is on, is always on the alt-rock station i listened to in high school, and i swear to god, they have the exact same motherfucking playlist save for a few new songs. it's all old green day, nirvana, cranberries of course, live, old dmb, smashing pumpkins, sublime, and so many others that draw to the suface from somefuckingwhere the wonderful feelings of comfort and memories of a time when i was an even bigger geek than i am now. and a john melloncamp quote seems all to appropriate here to express these feelings of high school nostalgia, and to also offer irrefutable proof of how big a geek i am to actually quote cougar boy: "hold on to sixteen as long as you can, changes come around real soon, make us woman and man."

the other things that are adding to my state of bliss right now are:
-i am now offically done with school work

-nikki is for sure going to live in ny with me. or so she says, and she sounds the most serious she has sounded yet, which is enough for me to believe her. and so, i have been wasting time looking at village voice classifieds and tomorrow i'm going to call some of them

-the gray sky took a vacation today, and the sky was this wicked wicked gorgeous blue. i looked out my window as i was waking up, so so excited to see such a bright blue filling the sky, and just wanted to go outside and bike and play and have that beautiful color be the background to my day. to be a part of the scene with the blue, to be its buddy and play with it. i'm never this excited about the sky in sarasota, even though it is a beautiful blue all the fucking time. the long stretches of gray in va make the blue's appearance seem all the more special. it's like that person who works at your favorite restaurant, and you're like man, you must love working here since you can eat good food all the time. and they have a blah response and they say the food's not that great, since they can have it whenever they want. and living in florida is sort of like being the person that works at that really good restaurant. you lose appreciation for the blue skies, cause they're always there.

-i just played on the playground for about two hours with my four year old cousin who came with her family to visit my aunt who just had a baby boy named conner, which i think is a pretty dorky name. but whatever, i played on the playground and forgot that i was 20, without a job and without a fucking clue what i'm doing with my life. those concerns were lost to the diziness and the queasy stomach feeling i got from spinning my cousin around, and swinging so high that i swear i could have touched the sky if i could just have pushed myself an inch further. just an inch. but, i couldn't -- i was pushing myself as far as i could go on that fucking swing, swinging and swinging like i was ten years old and still trying to swing higher than the boy next to me. however, my gaining of a quite a bit of weight since i was ten made the swingset start to shake, which had me a bit worried, and so even though i wanted to touch the sky, i didn't want to knock over this swingset. touching the sky would have to wait for another day and a more sturdy swingset. then these two other kids came and played with us. and this little seven year old boy had this need for adoration that all little kids seem to have, and i wonder if this is just something american kids have. look at me. look at me. watch me do a jump off of the swing. i bet you can't jump higher than me. and of course, i had to squash this little surge of what would be a future case of egomania. and i showed him who could fucking jump higher off of the swing. i showed him that he was not the god of tag. and i showed him who could do a better handstand. but, of course, it was all in the spirit of good fun, not of seeing how much better you are, but instead seeing how much you and the other people can push yourselves. how far can one go before they scrape their knee and gash their elbow. and i thought of how i need to carry that playground mentality of reckless abandon over to my everyday life. to see how high i can swing. to fucking scrape myself, and then to get up, clean it, and to keep fucking jumping off of shit.

-and another reason that i'm feeling good is since i am now done with my work, i am lifting my self-imposed house arrest. and i am going to hang out with rebecca tonight, which will be so nice, since i have not seen her in forever, since whenever it was she came down to visit, it all seems like a lifetime ago. but yeah, i'll see her, and i'm making plans to hang out with my good old geeky comrades from the high school struggle.

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