i went to christmas eve mass tonight with my mom and sister. bless me father for i have sinned, it has been years and years since my last confession. the sin: i attended catholic mass tonight, even though i do not believe at all. and sin of sin, i ate the body. i took communion even though i thought about not taking it and thought about all the moral and ethical ramifications involved. yet i still took it, because i would have been too embarassed to sit there while everyone else got up to take it. there are my principles right fucking there - bending to the will of whatever the group imperatives are.
i felt so guilty when i took communion and the guy that placed it in my palm looked deep into my eyes saying, "the body of christ." his hand so so slowly placed it into my left palm, and his eyes looked questioningly at me, as if he somehow knew that i should not be recieving communion, and he was going slow to give me a chance to redeem myself. but i ignored the chance given to me to pass it up and uttered "amen." the wafer was then placed in my left palm and i put it in my mouth with my right hand.
and of course, besides me going to church and feeling weird about that, we of course had to sit right behind some people from my high school class: nora and phil koerner. they were both my sort of friends - the type that you say hi to when you see and make small talk with, but never actually really do anything with them. it, of course, could not have been one of the other some thousand people from my high school that i never talked to. and so, i had to engage in some more horrid small talk with the koerners, but luckily it's a solemn catholic church and only so much small talk is acceptable. thank god i wasn't raised baptist or some other real social faith. after mass though, i dashed out quickly so i wouldn't have to converse anymore with them.i also saw john roebella from my class sitting at the front of the church, and boy this kid has gotten like ten times hotter. super hot in the athletic way, he's a little gymnast boy, and all hot and super white. he was part of that group known as "the cool kids" in high school. and so to entertain myself during mass, and to get my mind off of how little principle i had to be there in church, i daydreamed about john. and i somehow thought that this could be my penance: to tune out whatever this preist was saying, and to have wild gay sex fantasies to attempt to balance the gay is wrong attitude of catholicism. john, i absolved my self of my sins with you. up there on the altar sucking what i imagined to be your beautiful, big dick. and my conscience was then clean.