Thursday, March 2, 2006

a beastie boys video

The main one you know, the Spike Jonze directed one, parodying seventies cop shows - listen all y'all, it's sabatoge.

I sort of knew writing that entry earlier today that I was going to not go to this interview. I don't know why I can't admit these things to myself, rather than scheduling interviews and then just not showing up for them. Surely, one of these employers, I might at some future point want to be employed by and this not showing up for interview after interview can surely be no good. And, at two, I told myself, I need to get dressed and leave by two-fifteen at the very latest. And so what do I do? I tell myself I am just going to look at this crossword puzzle for five minutes and man, crossword puzzles make me feel so impotent sometimes and I kept spending more and more time past the five minutes I had allowed myself to look at it, had spent the fifteen minutes I was supposed to be getting ready, had spent another fifteen past that point, telling myself, I could still make it on time. So 2:30, I throw the puzzle aside for the moment, telling it it isn't over between us, and that we would have to finish this fight on the train. 2:40, I am dressed and ready to go and as I am opening the door to leave, I ask myself what I think I am doing, that there is no way in hell, I will make it to midtown and find this office in twenty minutes and that I am not going to show up twenty minutes late for my interview and get this job, so I asked myself why I would even waste the four dollars in subway fare to get there. I told myself I wouldn't and depressed, took of my bag, my jacket and began to catalog all the mistakes made in this day.

The first, asking a john who wanted to pay me 300 to get together at noon if he really wanted to get together in this shitty weather. Why would you do that when you have sixty dollars in your bank account? Uh, no fucking clue. Cue that Tina and then later Missy song, "I can't stand the rain a do do do do..." Then scheudling this interview for today when I had a choice between today and tomorrow even though I hate being in crappy weather. Then getting a call from the regular at one and telling him I couldn't get together then because I had to go to an interview soon. So there's an easy 150 for ten minutes of work I also threw away. And then that interview I did not go to that actually paid lost of money.

In case you did not know from me never leaving the house and watching more and more tv, I am a little depressed these days and I can't really pinpoint any reasons and I do not like it but do not know how to find joy as easily as I am used to finding it.

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