All right, I know that I am in the habit of making frequent resolutions, quite often the same ones over and over again. I know there are people that think pretty lowly of the whole practice of making resolutions, but I find them helpful, even if it is true that more often than not, I tend not to hold to them for very long, if at all. But, it's the season of Lent and I was raised Catholic, so this stuff comes naturally to me.
I just wrote a miserable sounding email to a friend and as I was finishing it, even while I was writing it, I could hear how awful I sounded, how pathetic, how whiny, how much like someone I would not want to listen to. And the reason for this is because I am a little annoyed with myself right now for wasting this day in such an unmagnificent fashion, for wasting so many of my days in such a fashion. If someone I didn't know asked me what I did today, I would have to make some lies or say the vague: "nothing much." If someone I was friends asked me such a question, say you, I would confess that I wasted my day looking at porn for hours and masturbating the day away. Some Roseanne, some local news was watched. A History of Violence was rewatched. Junk food was ate. Lots of coffee was drank.
If I know that I have the house to myself, my tendencies toward masturbation will always win out over any other possible options for how to occupy my time. I did not apply for one job today. I did not even look at job listings. I really must exercise some more self-control in this matter so that 1.) I will get a job and not be broke, and 2.) So I won't be depressed that I wasted my day. And so we move on to the resolutions mentioned at the beginning of this.
Resolution #1: No more masturbating during the daytime. Do this only when going to bed or waking up in the morning. Keep my time in bed all together in one chunk.
Resolution #2: No more television during the daytime, not even the morning news while you are eating breakfast. No.
That's it for resolutions for now, the hope is that those two will lead to other changes, that by not doing those things I will be productive during the daytime and apply for jobs and maybe write and definitely read and maybe even go on walks, find a form of physical activity other than masturbation, and the hope, the constant hope is that I will be a happier human being and that I will be able to write you livelier emails and that I will have things to talk about on the phone to my mom, will be able to say that I did something with my day, something other than "nothing much."
PS - People, friends in Austin, Jaymay is playing a show for SXSW this Friday. You should go see her. She's a really good performer and sings really lovely songs that will make you sad, but more so, happy.
And whether or not you live in Austin, you should know that she just put out an EP, Sea Green, See Blue, which is really good and which you can listen to tracks from on her website or MySpace page.
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