Tuesday, March 21, 2006

cleaned my room today, did laundry, listened to music as I sorted through papers and CDs and photos and tried to make my room look somewhat presentable to this imaginary person I imagined was going to come and inspect my room. For the first time ever, I have a picture of my family, a picture of anyone on my dresser. My mom gave me this photo a couple months ago from my sister's graduation in the spring of the three of us together and someone, some relative, at some point gave me a picture frame which I had never used. So I put the two together, and the product is now on my dresser and it makes me feel further from my family and also closer in some way. I feel a little more normal, more comfortable, that bedrooms should have this feel and it's about time that I stop living like I am just crashing here for a while with clothes, books and papers all scattered together on the floor. It's still not perfect, but my room to me feels a lot homier right now with this bookcase I put in there today and with this picture and because I just did laundry, all my clothes folded and not on the floor.

When I am a little less desperately broke, I am going to buy a closet rod and also curtains and will make my bedroom seem even more like one. And then, after that, or probably something that should even be done before that is putting some foam up on my glass door, to block out the light from the living room and muffle some of the sound going back and forth, so that I can masturbate a little more comfortably, and also sleep more so, not hear every step taken in the living room anymore.

Jaymay is moving out and I am really sad about that, but in really good news, Craig, the long, long, long time love of my life emailed me and said that he might be interested in the apartment downstairs. I would lose my mind were I able to live right above Craig and see him probably something closely to daily, as opposed to my seeing him every three or four months, which is now the case. Emails from him sort of make me swoon. I have been in an incredibly good mood lately, and I don't want to have sex with boys but I do want to have crushes on them and talk to them really excitedly. That's the part I want.

I wonder if Jillian and Josh hate me. I watched Casino last night, and it is amazing, so good, such a pleasure to watch. The only thing that bothered me about it was the busy soundtrack. There was some familiar pop or rock or disco song played about every fifteen seconds it seemed like, sort of like Forrest Gump and Boogie Nights and it's so easy, it seems to build a mood and invoke pleasure in the audience by playing all these hits, that it seems almost cheap, too easy, and the practice is beginning to annoy me, but other than that, this movie is really good and Sharon Stone gives an amazing performance. Tonight, another C movie, Capote.

I lied. I want everything. All of it. I love looking at old pictures and letters and cards and some of those - the greeting cards - I threw away today. I filed the program from my dad's funeral, my tax returns, and other things. Keeping some things, letting others go, making things neat, orderly and feeling good about those choices, really good. And my room's all clean and that imaginary person I was cleaning it for might have been a real person, an imaginary boy who would be in my bed and not think my room was totally disgusting, maybe.

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