I really do not know what this problem means, this problem among many that are easy to identify, but it's this combination of foot shooting, of impulsive behavior, and social anxiety, and yet, I always have a good reason each time I do not go to an interview or do not show up for work. This is a problem that stretches back for years when it comes to jobs. One time I went the trouble of getting a job with UPS, only to never show up for the first day. There have been so many instances like this, it definitely points to me that I might have some sort of problem.
Today, I woke up early, was so energized and walked to my interview to work in a coffee packaging factory really close to my house, and I don't know what the hell I was thinking. I think I had some comical Lucy in the chocolate factory images in my head that warped me to the fact that factory work is pretty physical labor. And as I was approaching the place, this guy, this really meaty guy driving a forklift glared at me as he drove past me on the sidewalk. That sort of scared me and made me realize how unmanly I am and then I could see through the open warehouse doors how the few guys working there were that, were guys, big meaty guys who I was sure would laugh at me and hate me. And they were lifting and stacking really heavy looking bags, and I realized that sitting through the interview would be pointless because this was not something I wanted to do and I so just kept walking and headed right back home.
But this was not a totally fruitless morning expedition, because it's spring and spring cleaning time for some, and on the street, I found a couple of old paintings that look like a student painted them from Hollywood glamour photos. One of them, the girl in the swimsuit looks really familiar, and I think it might be painted from a Norma Jean photograph. I am not sure, it looks so familiar though. And so, my living room has some new stuff on the walls, which is good. I really want to paint my living room a more sedate color, like a light olive or a creamy brown, you know, get rid of the whole Mexican chain restaurant color scheme my living room has going on right now. But that will have to wait until I am not struggling to pay my rent. In the meantime, these new paintings. The trees painting which I have grown really tired of looking at has been moved to the kitchen where it pairs excellently with the Madeline felt board that was already there. Look:
Aside from the can of paint, I obviously need a new camera that is capable of taking non shitty pictures. But the only fun purchases I am allowing myself until rent is paid are contacts today and the David Mitchell book which was not at the Strand yesterday but which I should hopefully get a copy of real soon. Contacts again! David Mitchell! Sunshine! Six Feet Under! Running into friends before ten in the morning! Sunshine! Good trash finds! Spring!