Friday, March 10, 2006

Right now, I do not want to be here and I am not sure where I do want to be, but the flusher on my toilet was broken sometime this morning by one of my roommates and so now you have to reach your hand into the back to lift the chain to flush the toilet. The basin back there is nasty and looks like it has never been cleaned and dipping my hand in that everytime I flush the toilet just makes everything about the bathroom seem gross. I notice the moistness of the bathmat I am standing on, the dust and mold gathering in the corners of the wall, the peeling floor, the soap stains on the shower curtain. And I am really so tired of this shithole apartment where stuff is constantly breaking, where the landlords are idiots. I just have grown extremely tired of this physical space and all its flaws. My lease is up at the end of August and I really need to move somewhere else, which means I need to work until August so that I will be able to save money and prepare for a move. Right now, I am seriously itching to get out of the city. The cramped nature of my apartment makes the whole city seem cramped and I know that I will yearn to push beyond walls in any apartment where I can hear my other roommates on the other side of my door, where I can't just go sit outside in my backyard. The only apartment I have really loved that I have lived in in New York was when I subletted my first summer on N. 1st Street and my building not only had a stoop for me to sit on in the evening, but also a backyard for me to hang out in.

The chances of me finding another apartment besides the one I live in now that I could even afford in this city (right now, I pay 500, up from 400 the prior two years here), but one that I could afford and that would have a backyard - those chances are slim to none. Yesterday when I was at work, the sun was setting and I don't know if you know, but I work on the twelfth floor of this building in SoHo that overlooks the Hudson River, a fucking gorgeous view, and I was sitting next to the window and just stared out it for hours, watching the gray clouds get just slightly pink as the sun set and then as the blues of the approaching night got darker and darker and I was listening to Joni Mitchell for some reason, even though it makes me totally weepy now when I put in on these days, since it was what I listened to nonstop after my dad's death, and watching the sun set and listening to this music, yes, of course, things got scratched and I got weepy again and thought about past places I had lived, friends from those places and how much I loved those times and I really am not terribly happy here in New York. I have worked shitty jobs that I could work in any town. I am no longer excited by the art scene or the scenester party circuit, which for a good long time, kept me thrilled about this town. I have had just as much, if not more luck with boys in way smaller towns, so New York's gay life doesn't even mean that much to me.

The places at the top of my list are Austin and the Bay Area just because friends I love live there and so I would know people there and both seem like gorgeous areas of the country. Other, less realistic options are Greensboro and Miami. I am sure I will change my mind quite a few times before September, but my resolution to myself is to work, work, work and save money so that that way come September, I will not be forced to stay in this apartment again if I don't want to live here again, that I will have money to decide what to do with myself.

I know. I lied. I said I would only talk about Gyllenhaal for a while, so here's the daily dose: Last night, I watched October Sky, which is another sentimental unoffensive movie that the whole family could watch together. And yet, I still really enjoyed this movie a lot, because movies about young boys, about boyhood are always fun to watch, especially when presented as some Rockwellish Americana dream, setting it in the fifties and having lots of good old tunes as the soundtrack. And I was caffeinated and itching for something to let me loose, to help me escape, and so it was real easy looking at Jake last night. I got totally giddy and squirmed up into a ball with delight quite a few times during the movie. And the question begs, why, oh why, when I am so emotional already would I put on Fleetwood Mac? Today is going to be fun.

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