Saturday, August 20, 2005

I broke my promise within, what, three days of making it? Tonight, I went to Metropolitan because it was this nice boy's, Josh, birthday. So yes, went to a gay bar, went incredibly stoned, and as a result could not stand to interact with the huge group that was there for Josh.

Man, this one guy, Suluman (sp?) was so annoying, so everything I hate about gay bars and bars, in general - just this inane chatter at so loud and so aggresive a pace, saying nothing at all. And he was hitting one me a little, touching me more than I was comfortable with. This, the drunk boy, Ethan and I basically carried down Grand Street a couple of weeks ago. This boy, I want to punch in the face. Ugh, and I wanted to talk to Josh and Paul and Daniel, and there were all these other people between me and them and everyone engaged in talks that bored me to tears, except for Josh, who sparked by those birthday anxieties, started talking so lovely about the process of ageing, and of course, was cut off by one of Suluman's sarcastic, over the top (I want to say gay, but you know, I am trying not to be that type of person, but yes, gay, unserious) stand up bits. Josh was earnestly formulating these thoughts about age and examining your progress in life, your percieved lack of it - and because why be sincere about anything - it was derailed in so absurd a fashion, a way that only a gay boy could manage to do, by Suluman going on and on about skin care, asking a flustered Josh how he managed to look so young, exactly what brands of soap he used to wash his face in the morning, and what exactly was his morning face routines. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

I looked around me and Suluman was right next to me, touching me in some flirty manner and there were people close to me talking about something stupid, and I asked myself what I was doing, why I was there if so many of those people annoyed me and I was not forming any meaningful human connections, just numbing myself to that even being a possibility - and I said hell no, or I said that in my head, because I said nothing and just sneaked away, responding to Suluman's pleas asking me where I was going, that I was just going inside for a second. And I dashed through the bar, out the front door and was away from it all and felt so good. Texted Paul to apologize for my top-secret exit, came home and ate half of a rotissere chicken and half a pint of Coffee Heath Bar Crunch ice cream (mmm!), and that is a whole, right? A whole what?

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