Thursday, August 18, 2005

on poptacular

hey paul,

hope you made it home okay last night. it was fun dancing to silly songs with you. that magnetic fields song i was talking to you about on the train ride is "long-forgotten fairytale" - and i think it is totally amazing. even on this hungover morning, i am still able to appreciate it on a pretty insane level. see my thing with music, with specific pop songs is pretty analagous to my thing with boys - this obsessive personality i have where i want to play it again and again, and it is sort of that same giddy thrill from crushes that i get from pop songs, and that's what i am trying to talk about by poptacular. you see i don't know if there is a way to describe it, you either know the thrill of having a crush where you want to jump up and down in their presence, or you don't. but if you do, that is what a pop song that i am crushing on is like, a sure thrill, being able to feel giddy because of some synth beats. and god, music is fucking amazing, nothing new in that statement, but really, it is, and when i think that it is able to so easily produce these excited states of emotion in me, that all you need to do is hit play on some music playing device and my mood will be altered. god, fuck psychopharmacology - it's all in pop songs. pop songs and boys. cute ones. and yes, you told me i would wear out the song, playing it on repeat for hours, but is that bad if those moments, those days before you are tired of the song are amazing days and where you have a thrill about the song, however unable to sustain itself it may be, that for its brief life is out of this world. same thing with boys and crushes and me flitting from one to the next. the fireworks are brief, but god, they are bright.

and last night, you wanted me to tell you my crushes and i will surely do so. they vary pretty often though, but this might be the heirarchy of my obsessions as of this morning:

-craig -

god, those boys are track 15, disc 2 of 69 love songs. they make me the same sort of giddy. and as you progress down the list, the boys begin to hate me more and more. might as well throw matt down right below craig to continue that pattern.

um, so greg. let's talk about him for a second. so i don't get him, or i do, and it makes me sad. so last night, he apologized for not calling me, saying he's really shy. so i told him i wasn't and he should give me his number, that i would have no problem calling him. and so he gave me his number and then told me that he just broke up a couple of weeks ago with his boyfriend of three years and so isn't looking for anything more than friends right now, and that's why he doesn't really know how to behave when people flirt with him.

and so i left the bar because he didn't want to come to runt. and then i didn't even go to runt, ditched ethan, and went home. when i got home, i got a call from greg asking if i was still at runt and/or going to queer metal. i told him i was home and he said that we should hang out, maybe go see a movie. and he wrote me again today reaffirming that he wants to hang out. and see i mean maybe i am deluding myself and there is really no confusion here, he really just wants to be friends. but i am not sure if that precludes sexual
action, that he just doesn't want a boyfriend. um, i am confused and mildly disappointed, but i guess still excited to hang out with him.

ps- that's also why i ditched ethan last night, because i like things left vague, the option for hope there, and when i relayed this story to him, he made things more stark, told me that it wasn't going to happen and it's just a line you give someone wanting to be friends, asking me when have i ever gotten that line and actually become friends with them. and i have gotten that line before and ended up friends with people. but his doom and gloom outlook about this boy, this pop song making me giddy, really annoyed me and i did not want to
talk to him anymore and so went home.

and fuck, fucking yeah, pop songs turned up loud are amazing!!!!!!!!


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