Thursday, November 3, 2005

Crimes and Misdemeanors

I did laundry today and scrubbed my bathtub and cleaned the kitchen floor and found myself happy to be doing these tasks.

Crossing streets has been scaring me today. I know my mind is elsewhere and I am so nervous that I won't pay enough attention and that a car will hit me. I have been extra cautious today crossing streets.

I watched Woody Allen's Crimes and Misdemeanors and really it was the chicken soup I needed, that fine balance between tragedy and comedy. Tomorrow will probably be another Allen movie that I haven't seen because right now I am not planning on going to work. Cleaning my house today, I listened to Joni Mitchell's Blue and Gillian Welch's Time (The Revealator) over and over.

I haven't told anyone in person that my dad has died. Just on the internet and on the phone. I want a hug. I have only cried twice today. Once, an hour afterward, trying to go back to sleep. And just now, writing the first sentence of this paragraph, realizing that I haven't told anyone in person, and realizing how much I want some physical contact reassuring me I am not alone.

From Crimes and Misdemeanors:

"We define ourselves by the choices we have made. We are, in fact, the sum total of our choices. Events unfold so unpredictably, so unfairly, human happiness does not seem to have been included in the design of creation. It is only we, with our capacity to love that give meaning to the indifferent universe."

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