This Thanksgiving was amazing and I thought about life and death, Florida and New York, where I want to live, what pleasures life is capable of giving us, and which ones of those I am accepting, which ones I am rejecting by my city of residence, drank lots of beer, sang and danced with my aunts, did pseudo karaoke in their living room all weekend long, and today cried my fucking eyes out, had snot dripping down my nose and found myself shaking and crying and being comforted by my crying mom, feeling that parent-child bond, feeling like I was four and in her arms, and life is really hard sometimes. I mean such shitty things happen and we get up and continue day after day knowing that shitty things are going to happen. And today, at Robert's funeral, my mom shared memories of Robert to the church and was almost crying doing so, and there is so much I could tell you, but you wouldn't care or wouldn't get it.
And afterward, in front of the church, my mom said, "That picture of Robert just killed me." And I knew what she was talking about, how a picture makes things so much more real, seeing this smiling, laughing picture of Robert and knowing that that is no more - the concept of death is made less abstract with these photos. And by this point we were both already crying, that's why she made the comment, and I thought about my dad and how it wasn't until I saw the photos Herta had of him when he was young that I got real sad and realized the loss, and I tried to tell my mom this, but this was when manageable crying turned into unmanageable grief. I tried to talk, but found myself choking on words, unable to say this thought I had so clearly in my head. And I managed to in starts, with each start, crumpling more and more, sobbing more and more. And it's the same thing with how I have been feeling lately and why I haven't been writing too well about it here, because this is an emotion that is beyond the verbal and I can't do it. The opening hymn today was "Amazing Grace." That was also sung at my dad's service and I saw the words right in front of me and wanted to sing this song that I really love but everytime I tried to bring up the words from my throat, the crying just became more heavy. So I stayed silent and closed the hymn book.
My uncle had been an alcohlic for a long time. He would drink vodka all day long and late in the night, always up sipping from his cup of vodka watching crap on tv. But he was also a good hearted person whose laugh I think, along with his wife's, Sue, influenced my own so much, their happiness and constant laughter. Sue kicked him out about a month ago because his alcohol problem was getting worse and worse. And a few days ago, he drank himself to death. He was a diabetic and had already let his blood sugar drop too low a couple times before from drinking, and the same thing happened this time, and this time he died from it. My family is amazing. All six of her sisters flew down last minute to help her and it was a packed house, fifteen people crammed in this house, drinking, telling stories, dancing, playing board games. Sue and Robert and their three kids are an extension of my immediate family, this is a big deal for me. Growing up, I spent every other weekend with him, every major holiday and we normally went on summer vacations together also. So weird that these two people so close to me since birth are now gone. I can still hear my mom's voice shaking, unsteady, God, that is what killed me. My eyes have watered a lot recently, but sobbing with tears coming nonstop, I haven't done such I was a kid. I don't understand life, any part of it. It makes me incredibly sad. By the way, I think I want to move.