I skipped out on a party with a bunch of homos in my neighborhood tonight for no real reason, or probably way too many vaild ones which I should not even need to enumerate. Before doing that, I IM'ed with this boy in Hell's Kitchen back and forth, this boy who had posted an ad on Craigslist with a picture of his gorgeous penis. He was too tired to come out to Williamsburg and may, or more likely, may not contact me tomorrow for me to suck him off. I don't know what it is I want or what it is I need, but I am grasping for touch and experience of some sort and just now put an ad on Craigslist and will see if anyone responds to that before I finish writing here and climb into my bed with this glass of red wine, cheap red wine from my local liquor store bought for five dollars earlier this evening, and if so, I might have anonymous sex with someone off the internet, and I don't know, but I want to lose my mind and am doing it the best way I know how.
I took a shower earlier this evening with scalding hot water and got so emotional and felt so good and came out wrapped in my towel and had to lie on my bed for a good long while to catch my breath, and I just want to push myself to whatever physical limits I have and feel this body that I have, feel in some way alive, not dead.
The Woody Allen marathon continued tonight with Deconstructing Harry, which was amazing for a recent Allen film (1997), and which Curb Your Enthusiasm very obviously lifted a plot from in one of last season's episode. I mean the language is a little too course, you know how some people just sound forced when they are cussing. It comes off really awkward to hear "fuck" out of Allen's mouth and so often, so unnatural sounding. But other than that, this movie is so good and talks a lot about Allen's career, which I read instead as conversation about Philip Roth's career, which it might very well have been. Tomorrow night, I think I am going to Christy and Sasha's party, but if I don't make it there, or even if I do, the Allen marathon will probably continue. Maybe I can watch all of his movies before December 1st, when his new movie, Match Point comes out. Maybe I am just looking for projects, things to occupy my time and my mind. More than likely, actually.