Monday, June 13, 2005

I am now twenty four years old and in past years, I would say "God, now I am twenty one years old," or "God, now I am twenty-three years old," thinking of it as another notch in the belt and moving closer and closer toward the end of the belt, beginning to run out of room. And I would do some self-evaluation, thinking like I did last year, that I could not turn twenty four and still be working at the Strand, or even working in a retail job - starting to try to fit my life into notions of age appropriateness, thinking that some of the things I do are just not appropriate anymore, that they become more and more pathetic, some of your behavior patterns with each bump up in your age.

This year, however, I have done of that type of thinking and I don't know if that is a sign of maturity or perhaps its opposite. My birthday barely registered as an event with me. I didn't tell that many people about it and twenty four does sound older, that perhaps I have passed that demarcation where I can't still behave like a college kid. Nearing that quarter of a century mark and it does look adult to see the numbers played out across my mind in numeric form: 24, 24, 24.

I celebrated my birthday, or more accurately, participated in, did on my birthday - I wasn't too celebratory - I went to Union Pool during the daytime for the bands that were playing there, mainly though to see Grizzly Bear, who for whatever reason, even though they are probably the biggest of the bands that played - were slated to play first. The room they played im was not air conditioned. It was in the nineties yesterday, I do believe. The room was packed with people and so of course, it was obscenely hot in the space. I felt the beads of sweat slowly trickle down my chest and down my back during their set and it felt so good, those little beads of moisture tickling my back, cooling me off even if it was in the smallest spots. Grizzly Bear played one of the most amazing shows I have ever seen. It is one I will remember for a long time and surely the heat, the fact that I was drunk off of Red Stripe and the hot heat made me receptive to the pleasures to be had from sprawling discordant rock. I am in love with the drummer, Christopher Bear, who it turns out is the only straight member of the band.

There were so many homo scenesters at Union Pool yesterday. It was pretty awesome. Paul and Niki were there with me. I ran into Morrissey lookalike, Ryan there, who approached me to talk and was fairly friendly, even though I am sure he doesn't know my name. Wyatt showed up there and because he is really good at pushing me to do things that fit his agenda, I left Union Pool after catching some of Levy's set, who were also really good, and went to the Metropolitan and shared a couple pitchers with him. We went on the patio upstairs which is never open, but was yesterday because Metropolitan was packed with people, more than I've ever seen there - and from up there, I saw the sun start to set and the sky was so gorgeous and so big from that patio. There was a gorgeous guy sitting across from me who I kept making eyes at. More beer was consumed and Wyatt and I left to go get cigarettes. Heading back toward the bar, I saw this gorgeous guy leaving. He waved hi and I told him he was coming back to the bar. A cigarette later, we were making out in the back against the wall so out of control. It was awesome.

I love that feeling when you are talking to someone and there are silences that aren't hurried, pushed along into speech, into more conversation, where the two of you stare at each other for a long time until finally someone says something, there's some more talk, even more silence, and then instead of saying something else, he just kissed me and it was so awesome. Forget the fact that everyone saw me being slutty, it was so fun, and it was my birthday. I didn't go home with him because that was when I still thought I was going to go out dancing in Manhattan, but I got comfortable and drunk at Metropolitan and did not want to venture anywhere. I ate some pizza at Alligator with Joe to soak up some of the eight hours worth of beer drinking, ran into Matt on my way there, and met up with Ethan there. Headed back to Metropolitan and don't even think I drank a quarter of my cup of beer before midnight struck and I started to yawn, so tired, and decided that I could go to bed, that my birthday was over and I hugged Joe and Ethan goodnight and stumbled home to my bed.

I did not think about what it means to age on the way home and did not think about it at all today. I will have four dollars to my name after I give Dara my rent money tonight, and because I am getting really lucky and my two regulars always seem to contact me when I need cash - I have a date tomorrow afternoon with the sixty three year old. I am too tired to try to do sex work now, this evening, hate cruising Craigslist and so will probably not, even though I really want money tonight so I can go to the Architecture in Helsinki show.

I bought myself a yellow girl's tanktop yesterday as a birthday present. I am wearing it now and I love it so much.

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