Friday, June 17, 2005

I woke up this afternoon, hitting my hand against my head, regretting some of the things I said last night, especially the message I wrote to Matt. I have said this once, twice, too many times, but rum is the devil. I need to stay away from it. The previous time I was drunk on rum, I had oral sex with multiple people at a bar, and while last night was really nothing compared to that in terms of out of controlness or risk, my actions still leave me terribly embarrassed on this day after.

There was a party at Triple Five Soul where they were serving Bacardi and I drank a few drinks there, a beer at home, a couple more beers at Alligator Lounge, and then more beers at the scene of the crime, the Metropolitan. I ran into Wyatt and Adrian there and hung out with them, gossiped, talked about dirty things and at some point in the night started talking to this older man with a raunchy mouth and was very close to going home with him. I was so horny last night, it was insane. I need to stick to beer or gin, but definitely not rum - it really does make me a sexual maniac and I am not sure why. Everytime I have done something extremely naughty, I was usually drunk off of rum, and each time I drink rum, I invariably do something at least mildly naughty. But yeah, this unattractive man, I let talk to me so dirty about what he wanted to do with me, and then thank god, Matt came into the bar, came up to me to bum a cigarette and I talked to him, brushing off the dirty man.

And I told Matt about the dirty old man and this led into a conversation about our sex lives in general, him telling me that he has a couple "sex boyfriends", one who he was meeting there. And I told him I wanted to be one of these sex boyfriends, and it didn't sound so embarrassing then because that's the tone our conversation had, but now I cringe when I recall these details. And yes, eventually his boy came and I left and went home and wrote that email you read. This morning, I saw that he had still not logged on to Friendster recently so he still hasn't read the message and I tried to see if there was a way to unsend it and there's not and I wished that I could hack into his account and delete it, but instead I wrote another one to try to seem less scary, but probably making myself seem more so:


I wish you could unsend messages. It is so embarrasing waking up the next morning cringing with the memory that you wrote something really silly and then it being there, the record of what you wrote drunk. Drunk statements should never have that permanence where you can examine them in the light of sobriety

And I know this and yet it seems that I am always doing these things drunk, as you may already know. So yeah, rather than go on and leave more permanent etchings that I may regret, I just want to state that the purpose of this email is temper the o.o.c.ness that is that earlier message sitting in your inbox and to apologize for my habit of so often, too often, lacking any sort of self control.

Have an awesome day!

Oh yeah, in other boy news, Zach canceled our plans for last night (yes, again) because he got fired, and I ran into Ryan (Morrissey boy) at that T5S party and he was pretty friendly. Um, yeah, I need to work on self control/avoiding talking to Matt.

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